Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your dreams.
The official trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron swept the internet off its feet last night, and it’s been trending everywhere since. I may have watched it one or two or fourteen times myself. However, if you have managed to not be run over by a screaming fanboy or fangirl trying to get you to watch the trailer with them, then click that link, for now is the time.
And what a time to be alive, my friend.
“I’m gonna show you something beautiful.
Oh I know
note: Quicksilver’s hair is dark. Something in this movie turns it white. carry on.
The Captain has joined the trailer, ready to sock ol’
Hitler Ultron on the jaw.
“You want to protect the world,
Hawkeye, I’ve missed you gracing our screens with strangely angelic shots.
Thor, baby, on the bright side, no one in your family is even indirectly at fault this time.
“But you don’t want it to change.
(Visibly uncomfortable with the word “change”)
“You’re all puppets -
Breaking news: Thor is wearing normal clothes. It’s a good day. That is all. (I appreciate that he took a page out of Captain Hook’s book, entitled Wait I’ve Been Wearing This Outfit for Upwards of a Hundred Years)
Now is a good time to point out that in every shot Hawkeye appears in in this trailer, his face could be saying, “What did I miss?”
“Tangled in strings.
Remember when we thought the Winter Soldier and Loki were the best villains the MCU were going to conceive?
Such sweet, summer children.
*Nightmare version of “No Strings” from Pinocchio starts to play*
It’s okay, I was never able to watch Pinocchio without being mildly terrified anyway.
Honey, is that another new suit? How many tailors are you wearing out?
Do you get it?
It’s a clothing pun.
Bruce, I have not seen you in a shot yet that didn’t make me want to bundle you up and feed you a warm meal. Please stop this. You’re breaking me.
And Natasha, it’s okay. They’ll give you your own movie someday.
Whooaaa, whoa whoa, the twins and Ultron? Is Ultron to the Maximoffs as Magneto was to the Maximoffs in their first comics appearance?
(By the way, I mean in the sense of the Maximoffs being his indentured servants, not of them being his illegitimate children)
(But on that topic, if Pietro or Wanda gave daddy dearest a call, he could clean this mess up real quick. That’s a lot of metal.)
They’re like bugs. Like ants. Like ant-men.
Nah, that’s silly.
See? Look at Clint’s face. LOOK AT IT.
“What did I miss?”
What a glorious, glorious month.
“It’s the end.
“The end of the path I started us on.”
Ehhh, don’t flatter yourself. It was mostly Loki and Captain America.
And this guy, of course. By the way, don’t bother wondering about how you saw him burn that eye patch in favor of sunglasses in CA: The Winter Soldier.
“Nothing lasts forever.”
You’re right. He probably sat on those sunglasses. We’ve all been there, Fury.
Hey, look, it’s the classic Scarlet-Witch-is-going-bonkers pose!
Hey look, it’s me watching this trailer for the first time!
Wait. I saw concept art for this scene.
Oh my gosh yes it’s coming Hulkbuster yes
*On her way to get her own movie*
My only hope for this character is that they make him nearly as cool as Fox’s Quicksilver. That’s all I hope for anyone, really.
But for serious, I am so excited to see these two in action. They’re perfect.
This is a mighty meaningful and important stare for a character who was listed on imdb as a nameless “Asguardian god.” Speculation, please.
Are these uncomfortably chest-heavy shots of Thor going to be a regular thing in Marvel movies now? Is this like a subtle satire of how women have been treated in every superhero movie ever, or is it just fanservice?
I mean, I’m not complaining. Just confused.
*Nightmare Pinocchio music stops, replaced with nightmare Tarzan music*
♪I wanna know/Can you show me/I wanna know about these strangers like me/♬
Okay, back to nightmare realm Pinocchio.
Straight ahead, you’ll see our subtle reminder that this takes place in Russia.
If you look within your memories, you’ll remember that a certain wintery soldier was in Russia for quite some time between now and 1945.
If you search your heart for a strong sense of hope, you may see what I’m getting at.
Aw man, it’ll be good to have this champ in a movie again. Been too long.
“No, mother doth NOT know I weareth her drapes,
“BECAUSE SHE’S DEAD”
I know, right, Natasha? I cried.
Brofist, buddy. Bring it in.
That was the last vibranium on the planet, Steve, please be more careful
“There are no strings on me.”
I have waited three years.
I am READY.
BRING IT BUDDY.