Trailer Breakdown for Jason Bourne

22 Apr bourne6

Here’s the thing – anybody who has spent a significant amount of time with me has heard me bring up the Bourne movies. It’s a fact of knowing me.

There’s not a DVD special feature I’ve missed. My sister and I have an annual Christmas tradition where we watch Ultimatum and frost cookies. My gym attendance levels spike dramatically every time I think that scene in Identity where Jason is doing pull-ups on the boat that fished him out of the sea. Of course I’d do a trailer breakdown for this bad boy.

If you haven’t seen the new preview yet, please treat yourself to the official full-length Jason Bourne trailer and then head back to literally shake with joy with me.

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“I know who I am.”

Okay, first off. “Assassin lying fully-dressed in bed looking unrested” happens like twice a Bourne movie. It’s number 7 on the Bourne Movie to-do list. Oh, don’t worry, we’ll get to the full nine-item list within this trailer; these directors know what they’re doing.

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Flashbacks. Number 8 on the list, but you saw that coming.

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“When we’re finished with you, you’ll no longer be yourself,”

Um, one second please. Hi. I’m Mikayla. I’ve watched these movies on mental repeat in my head for the last nine years and I call bull on that quote. “When we’re finished with you, you’ll no longer be David Webb” is more specific and less catchphrase-y for a reboot trailer, but come ON Universal Studios, don’t treat me like a child.

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“I remember. I remember everything.”

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“Remembering everything doesn’t mean you know everything.”

Nicky Parsons, my  friend. Nicky, who I have wondered about for years. Nicky whose relationship to Bourne was never really “explained” so much as “hinted at across a sticky diner table.” Welcome  back, hon.

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“Tell me.”

Jason Bourne Needs Way More Information (Number 1 on the list).

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You know that “warmth” filter on instagram? Where the switch can go in either direction and one makes the picture orange and the other turns everything gray and blue?

I’m just thinking about that for some reason (And blue CIA shots are number 4).

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“We’ve just been hacked. Could be worse than Snowden.”

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If it’s already on a secure server in the CIA’s files, you probably don’t have to label that many files as “clandestine,” kid. I know you’re excited about working here but you need to chill just a little.

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“Facial recognition got a hit.”

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Ugh, Jason, it’s called a hoodie. A baseball hat, even. Come on, how long have you been in hiding? Even Jimmy Coates know about facial recognition and he’s a preteen I know it must hurt to hide that face, but please, for your own  s a k e

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“Jesus Christ, that’s Jason Bourne.”

That’s the expression of a fanboy, by the way. No judgment.

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I also want to point out that I feel a real kinship with this girl who wasn’t paying attention until someone said Jason Bourne’s name.

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“Why would he come back now?”

I really like this laid-back, yet pissed-off attitude. Just this general atmosphere that Jason Bourne is less a dangerous assassin and more a disgruntled customer that popped up with a bad review on yelp like six months after they had it out with a manager in the hallway.

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Except that now he’s gonna burn the store down and beat everyone inside with a candlestick or some trash like that.

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By the way, if you’ve gotten this far and had one of the following thoughts:

1) all these pictures are so blurry

2) we’re skipping more scenes than normal

then congratulations! You’re experiencing the effects of the Bourne To-Do list item number 9: shaky cam. We can’t do anything about it except enjoy it and keep aspirin nearby.

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“There’s a demonstration in front of the Greek Parliament building. I think she’ll use it as cover.”

It’s nice to see that she secured such a nice position at the CIA after the Man from U.N.C.L.E. I guess it’s an experience to put on the resume.

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“They tracked you. We gotta move.”

(“We Gotta Move” – Item number 2 checked off)

If the writers are gonna pull a Marie and throw my girl Nicky in front of a bullet to increase Jason Bourne’s Very Important Guilt Levels, then I’m gonna straight up walk out of the theater at the end of the movie. 

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To be honest, this display more screams “I’m going this way!” than it does “don’t follow me.” Jason Bourne is a badass drama queen and I love him for it.

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some

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BODY once told me the world was gonna roll me 🎶

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This is the pose I’m ready for. This was always the one I pulled during movie charades when a Bourne movie was the subject.

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“He’s seen things. He knows things,”

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“What if he’s not coming for us? What if it’s something else?”

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Number 3.

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What a summer for movies. Catch me getting progressively paler in a dark theater from May – August.

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Black eye. Someone hurt him and I’m calling the cops.

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Extras in Bourne movies have a rough go at life.

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“I volunteered because of a lie.”

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More rooftop fights? I’m so here for rooftop fights.

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It’s just better. There’s no limits on a rooftop fight.

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I mean, look at this garbage. You couldn’t get this is a hallway fight (I’m looking at you Daredevil).

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(Not that we haven’t gotten something like this from Daredevil before)

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(Actually I take the Daredevil thing back)

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(This is a lot like someone else)

Hey everyone.

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“This is Jason Bourne. I need to talk.”

You’re an actual poster boy for emotional problems, we know you need to talk (and Cryptic Phone Call – number 5).

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“Thirty-two kills… People are safer because of what you did.”

In case it isn’t just sullen silence and brooding good looks, Jason’s rebuttal better be something along the lines of “at least thirty-two people would disagree with you”

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Wait, we’re in Vegas now.

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Is this going to turn into a heist movie? Please turn into a heist movie.

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YEAH OCEANS FOURTEEN HERE WE COME

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Linus Caldwell is back for one more casino hit and he is pissed

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By the way, reckless driving is number 6 on the list. I’m still keeping track.

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“You’re never gonna find any peace. Not ’til you admit to yourself who you really are.”

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Mm, identity issues. I get it. Hey, don’t we all? I feel like you already had a movie with “Identity” in the title though, so we have to go another direction.

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Like this. This is a good direction.

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Gratuitous bullet-wound shot. Thanks Paul Greengrass.

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Incredible. I am out of my mind about this movie, no lie.

I just want to thank everyone who made it possible for me to dream of seeing Jason Bourne in an actual theater instead of on a dimly-lit laptop on my vanity table. Really, truly, thank you. I plan to donate at least $11.50 to your noble cause this summer.

What do you guys think? Veteran Bourne fans or otherwise – I’m actually curious as to how this movie objectively looks outside of my fangirl vision.

The Currency of Being 23 | One Nerdy Turn Deserves Another Vol. 4

5 Mar

Jennifer! It’s Saturday, March 5, 2016.

You know what that means.

It’s a Bob’s Burgers birthday. Because what else? (I mean besides Studio Ghibli, BBC, Psych, Community, Avengers, Taylor Swift, and fiction siblings) And anyway, who better to show us a good time than the Belcher family themselves?

Or more generally embarassing? Let’s get straight to today’s program, Jenzie.

You’re turning twenty-three today!

What a high-quality age to be. Plus, you’ve still got seven whole years left on your 30-before-30 list, and if I know anyone who specializes in stuffing as much intention and joy into a set amount of time, it’s you. So just keep being that, you over-achieving nerd.

By the way, I don’t want to hear any of your garbage about 23 being a boring age, okay? Every notch added to the amount of years you’ve been alive is an actual party and anyway, there are plenty of songs about being your age, even now that you’re no longer feeling twenty-two. (Everything will [still] be alright if you keep me next to you)

Whether we’re road tripping, watching Doctor Who on Thursday nights, or planning our debut Thanksgiving album with dad, it’s always a good time.

And I mean now??? Now we’re in New York together????? I love this. Let’s do this all the time. You have such an adventurous spirit, and you’re always hopping to another cool idea. Sorry if the fam and I overload you with snapchats and texts about tulips and keytars whenever you’re away. I know you probably hope that we take your spells away from us with quiet dignity and without any residual clinginess but…

No matter what you do on your adventures, keep your eyes on what’s important, and live for something bigger than yourself. We aren’t each of us responsible for our existence, but we’re 100% responsible for our lives, and the way our lives touch others. We have to seize every moment and live it to the fullest, because we never know what’s going to happen next.

Unsurprisingly, Gene speaks the truth. Just remember nothing you’ll go through is truly hopeless. No burden you’re given cannot be overcome (but complaining never hurt anyone either).

And never doubt that you are loved. (of course, anyone you’ve ever met will tell you that) Thanks for always being an awesome sibling and and friend to your super cute sisters.

I know you always say you’re Louise, so thank you for somehow using your evil powers for the better of the people around you. But as Tina, I am ready to dispense some wisdom to you in your twenty-third year.

  • Keep yourself safe by keeping yourself smart.

  • Never be afraid of sincerity.

  • Take special time to take care of the things that are important to you.

  • (On that note, always make sure your priorities are straight.)

  • Don’t be afraid to try new things!

You know, actually, let me try that again. Don’t be afraid to try new things!

Perfect.

  • And know when to treat yourself. Pro Tip: Today. Treat yourself today.

I hope this year is one of the best for you, but still only one in a very long line of ever-improving years. Happy birthday Jennifer, and God bless! It’s gonna be a good day whether you like it or not, dang it. We have a SCHEDULE to follow.

The Truth is Taking Its Sweet, Sweet Time Out There

22 Jan The_Truth_Is_Out_There_tagline

 

Today I have a mission – to get you as ready for X Files season 10 as I am.

First, let’s get something straight – I didn’t watch this widely acclaimed cult classic scifi show until this summer, when it suddenly became ultra-relevant with news of a revival.

On my never-ending hunt to consume as much pop culture as possible, I took a look at the 1990s series’ summary – two agents investigate unexplained cases and conspiracy theories for the FBI. (For the uninitiated – there has never been anything more up my alley. This is my show)

The series is re-appearing for an encore (again), with a six-episode event this Sunday night, January 24th. With returning actors like Gillian Anderson, David Duchovny, Mitch Pileggi, and William B. Davis, the show promises to bring back the thrills, jokes, and the screams of “wait WHY ISN’T THAT GUY DEAD” that the original series had.

(Fans are also hoping the network has been more generous with the lighting budget this time around. Fingers crossed. Send some light bulbs FOX’s way if you think about it.)

As with anything, there are some mixed feelings about the revival, but for the most part, and certainly on mine, there is irrepressible excitement and undying hype.

However, as it has been explained to me, not everyone wants to spend a couple hundred hours curled up with Netflix to prepare for the TV event of the century! Not to fear. I’ve compiled the info you need to know. So! Meet the main characters.

Dana Scully: A tiny doctor-turned-FBI-agent who is assigned to assist (see also: spy on and debunk the work of) Fox Mulder in his work on the X-Files. She is skeptical to Mulder’s out-there beliefs, but she follows his passion and with her know-how and bad-assery, proves essential to the investigations.

Fox Mulder: A huge FBI-agent-turned-FBI’s-least-wanted who has spent years working on the X-Files looking for evidence of the aliens that abducted his sister when they were both children. Highly intelligent and stubborn as anything, nothing will get in the way for his search for truth or his gazing at Scully.

As far as plot goes? I don’t want to dive down any spoilery rabbit holes, so I’ll boil off that fat for you. Essentially, the X Files is nine seasons and two feature-length movies of variations of the following three conversations:

Scully: Mulder, are you suggesting that satanist, genetically-modified bumblebee ceramic figurines from outer space are responsible for this occurrence?

Mulder: Definitely.

Scully: Unbelievable.

____

Scully: Aliens aren’t real.

Mulder: They are real; my sister was taken by one. You were taken by one. I was taken by one. This whole chunk of random dying ladies were taken by one. I painted a picture of one. Here comes one right now.

Scully: Unbelievable.

____

Scully: I think there’s a God.

Mulder: ??? Well that’s because you’re gullible and you’ll believe anything, sweetie.:) I just wish I could be as trusting and hopeful as you.:):) Come talk to me when you’re ready to be logical about this hun.:):):)

Scully: Unbelievable.

Now you’re as ready as I am.

Two days, kids. I’ll be on the couch, eating UFO cake pops and singing (?) along to the theme music.

Trailer Breakdown for Zootopia

7 Jan z64

Breaking from my regular trailer breakdown pattern, I have to admit this isn’t a new preview. But I’m here, and come on – it’s Disney. My true love. So we are going to press pause on this Thursday and break down this trailer. Haven’t seen the official preview already? Take a peek and hop back here (Look! my first animal-related joke of this post. What a milestone) and let’s get started.

You know, even being Disney, I was hesitant about this at first, especially with the first pseudo-trailer that explained the word “anthropomorphic” to audiences everywhere.

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Because I’m no fool – with a new Disney movie comes fandom. With new fandom comes cosplay. And in this case,

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“Zootopia.

with cosplay come fursuits. And as it always must be, with fursuits comes my long-standing fear and/or general discomfort of people in fursuits.

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“A gleaming city where animals of all breeds, predator and prey alike, live together in peace and harmony.”

But these guys? ?? ???? How can you not love these faces.

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“Hi, I’m Judy, your new neighbor!”

“Yeah? Well, we’re loud.”

“Don’t expect us to apologize for it.”

I’m already rooting so hard for Judy. I believe in her.

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“ZPD’s first rabbit officer, Judy Hops!”

Hops. Brilliant. Does every animal have a surname that reflects a common action of that creature? I hope this Lion cop’s last name is Maul.

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Look at my baby. I’m so proud.

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“Ready to make the world a better place?”

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*Chair skids away*

Yeah, I’m not tolerating this. I’m not going to let Judy take this from Mister Stomps over here. Sign my petition to protect my daughter

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“Bad news in this city, gripped by fear.”

You’re leading with that? A snow leopard should know a little something about subtlety. The town looks to you for stability, Ms… Eats-Blue-Sheep.

snow leopard

(I don’t know a lot about snow leopards)

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“What can you tell us about the animals gone savage? Are we safe?”

We now turn to a tasteful montage to answer that question.

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Nah, son.

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Don’t get too caught up in the subliminal racism that you miss the fact that a tiger is using an iPad with a paw insignia. A pawpad. How adorable is that. Okay, back to the racism.

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“This is priority one.

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“Hops –

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“Parking duty.”

| ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄  ̄ ̄  ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄|
|      ZPD unfair                      |
|________ _ ___|
(\__/) ||
(•ㅅ•) ||
/   づ”

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“Sir, I’m not just some token bunny.”

I like this message. Stand up for yourself and your abilities, no matter how 2-feet-tall you are. I can relate to this.

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“You strike out, you resign.”

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“Deal.”

Real shady, but I’m into it. Prove him wrong, Hops.

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How many jokes do you think are going to be made on the vein of “we rooted right away for this underdog – excuse me, underrabbit”? That’s unavoidable right? No way only I thought of that joke. When you hear it made, I want you to think of this moment, you and me, where we called it. Together.

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“Hello, I’m here to ask you some questions about a case!”

RED ALERT THERE IS A SMALL GERBIL CAR IN THIS SHOT AND IT’S MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING ELSE

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“Then they should have gotten a real cop to solve it.”

Does this orange dirtbag have a child in that pram? Terrible influence. Wonderful voice actor.

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“You are under arrest.”

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“For what? Hurting your feewings?”

Wow, outstandingly offensive Elmer Fudd reference. Someone get this talking neck wrap to cultural sensitivity training.

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“You are a key witness.”

(Chorus of “Savages, savages” from Pocahontas in the background)

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“No, he is.”

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“Hey!”

Sign my petition today to stop this innocent bunny’s pain.

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“I need you to run a plate.”

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“Okay, I know a guy. You need something, he’s on it.”

??? You’re taking her to the DMV? No one there is ever on anything.

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My heart hurts for every creature in this shot.

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“They’re all… sloths?”

A m a z i n g

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“We are in a really big hurry.”

“I… am… on…”

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“it?”

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“… break.”

A m a z i n g

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“I have thirty-six hours left, we can only solve it together.”

*Banner unfolds from the ceiling, with quickly-made confetti falling around it* Unlikely Friends

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“It’s not about how badly you want something, it’s about what you are capable of!”

I want to see thousands of tiny bunnies and humans leaving the theater in March feeling empowered. I’m ready.

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“I am a real cop.”

I BELIEVE IN YOU JUDY

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“Never let them see that they get to you.”

Interesting advice coming from a predator that waits for rabbits to turn and run before it pounces. Smells like

*Banner unrolls from the ceiling to the sound of kazoos* Character Development 

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“You bunnies. So emotional.”

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♫Savages/Savages/Barely even human/Savages/Savages♪

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“Do not let go!”

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“I’m gonna let go.”

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“What?”

Looks like Hops finally realized where she falls on the food chain. Not a bad call.

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“We may be evolved, but deep down, we are still animals.”

Shield my daughter’s eyes.

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“Wooooo”

“Quit it! You’re gonna start a howl -“

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“Woooooo”

One perfect chance to reference the 101 Dalmatians Twilight Bark – wasted.

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“Oh, you are naked!”

Eyes front, Nick. Avert that gaze.

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“For sure, we’re a naturalist club!”

Animals degraded for acting like animals. What has Zootopia come to?

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“All the way down…”

A giraffe doing sun salutations. That’s what I came here for.

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There are a lot of things I could point out about this one. Where to start? Maybe I’ll take the minimalist route here and not comment at all. You’re probably already wondering the same things I am anyway.

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Judy Hops, voiceover: “Life’s a little bit messy.

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Separate but equally important petition to replace minion merch with merch of this perfect elephant toddler.

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“We all make mistakes!

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“No matter what type of animal you are, change starts with you.”

*Wipes tear*

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“We gotta go.”

“Whose car is it?”

“The most feared crime boss, Mr. Biggs!”

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Not going to lie, the trailer could also just have been a blank screen with the crawling text, “Mafia-muscle polar bears in track suits.”

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Gorgeous.

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Judy: “Is that Mr. Biggs?”

Nick: “Stop talking, stop talking.”

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“Oh.”

You live in an animated movie, Judy. This is just the kind of gag you should have seen coming. Not that I think less of you.

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“Ice ’em.”

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Actually ice? Nice touch. It’s all feeling very The Empire Strikes Back and I approve. Two woodland creature carbonite slabs coming up.

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“Daddy! What did we say? No icing anyone at my wedding!”

“I have to baby, daddy has to.”

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I’m a lot more excited for this glorious-looking movie than I was originally prepared to be. Will I see you there? (Not in the 3D theater. I’m not the kind of person who pays $30 to watch a movie wearing two pairs of glasses you weirdo.)

Let me know what you think! Too furry? Not enough furry? I was nervous, but I’m trusting Disney on this, and also willingly entrusting Judy Hops with my life.

On the Wing

25 Aug

It’s important to start a hunting trip off at least partly on your terms. No one on the trip should feel bullied into anything, or like nothing is in their favor. This, of course, means different things for different people.

If you take my route, you might spend the night before the trip loading an hour and a half of Jim Gaffigan and John Mulaney onto your phone. If you take my father’s, you may purposely download a terrible podcast and insist on listening to it for at least half an hour.

This is how my second turkey hunt with my dad began.

It takes several hours for my dad and I to drive down to our regular hunting grounds every season, and though every trip is different, there are always the same subjects that are brought up on the way down. We always pass the High Desert museum, where I typically recall a memory from my youth, a tidbit about my friend who used to work there, or any museum-related word vomit. It usually is about forty seconds after that when I suggest we skip our destination and head straight for California or Ashland directly below. This trip in particular, I’m sure that on some subliminal level I was aware that I say that every time, but I didn’t become conscious of it until my dad took in a long breath and said slowly, “I’m going to stop driving you in this direction.”

When we arrived at our destination, we touched base with our regular contact and exchanged hellos. He told us to go talk to his grandfather, the true owner of the land that we had hunted on for so many years. We already had permission to hunt, but it wouldn’t hurt to be polite, now would it? It never does.

We found the landowner’s home with the help of his grandson’s directions, “a mobile home with lots of cars around it. It looks like a lot of garbage.” It wasn’t difficult to find. We parked in the drive way and made our way up some very slippery stairs and dad knocked on a rotting door while I shared uncomfortable, extended eye contact with the most eerie housecat I’d ever seen.

He knocked again, after pointing out a puppy in a far-off doghouse. It blinked but made no sound.

He knocked one more time while I eyed a row of curious and rainbow-like chickens sitting on a handrail.

He was not answering. The animals did not welcome us. Moss was probably starting to grow over our bodies as they grew colder with no explanation. I almost definitely saw a ghost.

As we walked away, dad commented on the fact that there was smoke rising from both the chimneys and the landowner probably just didn’t hear us. I suggested that he was casting a spell. Dad nodded solemnly. We weren’t out here to judge, after all, and what we were there for was a little longer coming.

We found a flock of turkeys, which we both did a lot to chase away. After a couple of hours, it was starting to rain and most of the turkeys had figured out what was going on and taken wing.

All except for one. One turkey, sitting on the edge of a cliff on the other side of a muddy-looking ravine, and looking none too worried about why all the others had left.

I mounted my shotgun, held the bead on its head, and pulled the trigger. A burst of feathers flew outwards, but the bird I had hit was sailing straight down.

Right. The cliff.

Gravity. Right.

I heard a splash – but it took place a long while after the bird disappeared.

We hurried to the edge of the cliff and looked down. Dad and I had known the stream was there, but it still managed to surprise. It was thirty feet down with steep mud-and-clay walls around it and the water itself was an opaque brown with streaks of darker brown, constantly moving, constantly splashing, and constantly super, super brown.

Like, you know, a turkey.

Thankfully, Dad found the bird before I did, because I was a couple weeks out on that pursuit. He climbed all the way down the slope, plucked the bird out of the water, and tossed it up onto one of the only ledges in the ditch. He shouted that he was going to climb back up a different way, and I decided it was my turn to go down. I made it to the bird and devised a foolproof way to get back up again, but it required I put all my weight on a tree branch that was actively looking for excuses to join the brown below. It also required I have enough semblance of upper body strength to carry an adult turkey above my head.

That plan was not destined to go well.

My plan B to wind it up like a shot put and toss it. Without the afore-mentioned muscle tone, that obviously didn’t work either. I tried though; I tried until I was covered in the feathers of my turkey and the disapproving stares of the sparrows around me.

Finally I realized I hadn’t seen Dad in a while, and my priorities shifted from ever escaping my muddy hell to yelling his name for a solid five minutes before he peeked over the edge of the surface and I chucked a turkey at him with all of my remaining strength (not a lot).

With both hands free, I was able to more easily climb the walls, an endeavor that made necessary the truly singular pleasure of ripping chunks of stinking, heavy mud out of the vertical ground to create footholds.

Once we were both skyside again, I remember looking down at myself and thinking something along the lines of “ten showers should do it.” Dad and I were the exact shade and stench of the creek, but we had claimed the bird.

As we walked back to the car and discussed all the other birds that we had spooked, we took turns glaring down at the turkey I was dragging through the grass.

People who don’t agree with the act of hunting animals for food often cite that the animals can’t defend themselves, and how would you feel if they treated you as you treat them?

I have never been hunted with a shotgun. I hope to never be.

But today? Today that turkey got its revenge.

If turkey spirits linger before making their way to the happy hunting-free grounds in the sky, this one was splitting a feathered side watching me and dad try to scrape the mud off our hands with any sharp edge we came across on the rainy trek back to the truck.

(I’m sure he ascended before he had to listen to that podcast on the way home)

I may have won the battle, but the turkey won the war.

And for that, the bird has my undying respect.

Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined Part 5

17 Aug

Welcome to the long-coming fifth installment of Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined (Parts 1, 2, 3, 4): Your source for when you want to start deciding where you fit in the world – just not quite enough to close Netflix in that other tab.

I’m here for you babe.

Let’s get started.

Director of SHIELD

Upside: Action, excitement, close proximity to Thor’s arms and a high probability of getting Captain America to sign your vintage box set of superhero cards.

Downside: What job security? Plus, your stance in the Civil War, which you’re so proud and certain of now, comes into play in a far more violent and emotional way when you have to tell the characters themselves who you’re siding with.

Scientist/Inventor

Upside: You’re incredibly intelligent, and you use that to make a difference. Your work does important things. Whether you go Flint Lockwood and make it rain food, or you go Reed Richards and teleport four people to another dimension while roaring drunk (geez, you cinematic moron, what’s wrong with you), you followed the calling that was laid out before you when you discovered you were a dark-haired nerd with one friend. Good for you!

Downside: You’ve let yourself in for a lot of angst, kid. You might lead your loving older brother to a burning science expo that gets him killed. You might create rat-birds. You might even create a whole new breed of dinosaurs. All your friends (one) are going to hate you for a little while, because wow, do you make bad decisions in the name of science.

Lawyer

Upside: You believe in the truth, and you fight for justice. You are determined to make sure the innocent live happily and that the guilty are found out for their true selves. You’re clever and have hidden talents that make you extremely adept at what you do. Is that talent your heightened senses and a built-in lie detector? Or is it your extensive knowledge of hair care and post-perm protocol? Either way, you rule.

Downside: It can be hard to make it in law. People expect you to be a lying cheat, or maybe they just don’t pay you any attention at all and you barely scrape by financially, forcing your partner to steal tea and bagels from next door and forcing you to be a nightmarish vigilante in your spare time. But hey, that’s not everybody.

Some people are Elle Woods.

Dragon Rider

Upside: Dragons. I shouldn’t need to say more than that, but I will. You get to form a bond with your reptilian companion, you play the part of a warrior, you get to meet interesting and often terrifying people, and you get to fly on the regular. Also? Dragon racing. It’s like dragon quidditch, and nothing has ever been cooler than that ever e v e r  e  v  e  r

Downside: Definitely a dangerous career. Dragons are fiercely protective, but not necessarily of you. Plus, warfare with other dragon riders is not something you want to get involved in.

Tourist Trap Manager (See also: Con man)

Upside: Your lifestyle is run by imagination. You want to charge people to get into your eccentric home? Glue an armadillo to a possum. Instant Ripley’s Believe it or Not. Put that money directly into my pocket, please. Plus, it’s the perfect cover if you’re working on something secretive in your basement. Suspicious types that could potentially pose a threat won’t bother you, and the naive people who do don’t know what to look for.

Downside: Are your lying and nefarious experiments worth the valuable relationships you could be poisoning? Are they really? Secrets don’t make friends. Your life and your choices makes me so upset, please, give me a minute here.

Raptor Trainer (Alpha Raptor)

Upside: Are you kidding me? Are you Kidding?? Me??? YOU HAVE RAPTOR CHILDREN WHO BEAT UP BAD GUYS WITH YOU ARE YOU KI DD I N G M E  ?  S I G N  M E  U P

Downside: Your raptor children want to eat you. And this ain’t no quick death by mosasaurus, my friend, you’re gonna feel every bite.

______________________________

There’s really no point in fooling around when it comes to a decision as big as a career. This is my fifth and final of these analyses now, so please, think it over, and let me know.

I just want the best for you. So don’t you freaking dare create rat-birds or I will hunt you down

13.1k Likes

13 Aug

You know what’s scary? How big the internet is. It’s huge. It’s so huge, there’s no way to definitively measure it and have that figure be accurate for long.

So if you misplace a webpage and it doesn’t come up on the first page of google, it can feel like misplacing a child in Ikea.

When you lose something on the internet, you have two options. One is defeatist:

“I’m definitely never going to find that ever ever again,”

and one is blindly confident:

“I KNOW IT’S OUT THERE.”

This uncomfortable choice of attitudes will lead people to take all sorts of precautions. I myself, over the period of a couple months, chose to bookmark every webpage or I ever enjoyed or thought I might enjoy at some point.

That worked until I had to scroll through pages as long as the Count of Monte Christo to find that one gif I liked four days ago. I still haven’t deleted them all and honestly, I barely have the energy to try.

A lot of websites include a “like” function that lets you save things for later. What a thoughtful idea! Until you have 13.1 thousand likes and you know you put something in there just, like, a week ago that would totally come in handy right now if onLY YOU COULD FIND IT

I once searched for a specific comment on a Reddit thread for an intensely focused thirty minutes. This wouldn’t even be that bad, but I was at a party at the time. I was literally talking with someone at a party and interrupted myself to pull out my phone and say, “No wait, I’ve got to find it first.”

(Honestly that story makes the potentially well-balanced adult inside of me cry)

I once searched for a specific recipe for two and a half years before I found it. Given, it wasn’t near as intense a search as it was for the elusive reddit comment. But I started searching the day after I enjoyed a hastily-found internet recipe at a friend’s house, and I finished a year and a half after she had moved on, gotten married and moved house.

It wasn’t even all that good a recipe, to be honest. Not enough seasoning.

Anyway, my point is that I totally bookmarked that page anyway. I still have it bookmarked, just in case I want to relive a mediocre meatball experience in a weak effort to recapture a day that is now almost four years ago.

Because losing things is terrifying.

Webpages and images like the ones that I “like” on tumblr are supposed to be silly little nodes of entertainment, but whether or not I can find them again is still supposed to be something under my control and, though I screw up most of the things that are under my control, I still want something to be charge of, and if all that is is a difficult guitar tab for a song I no longer enjoy, then so be it, that thing is staying in my favorites folder until a sun flare burns up my laptop.

Losing things is terrifying. Letting go of unimportant things is meant to be this liberating experience, but it makes me feel like I’m dumping valuables in the trash and ever waiting for someone to come around and say

“Where did [insert thrown away item here] go?”

“Oh, that. I tossed it because I am unspeakably bad at processing consequences.”

This is a vivid example of why nostalgia is very threatening to me. Nostalgia is a sort of homesickness for a home that is no longer yours, because time is always going on. There are places and times you’re never going to return to, and that sounds so hopeless to me.

But it can’t be hopeless, can it? Nothing is really hopeless, even though I tell myself they are. After all, if I was able to go back and work in a moment I’d lived before, I would destroy it. (That’s kind of how I do) I would graffiti it with my escapist attitude and it would never be the same. As it is, I get new moments all the time. I’m making new mistakes because I know not to make the old ones.

I will have my new moments and I will make them what my old ones couldn’t be. I’ll get over the website I found mildly entertaining a couple of months ago. Not everything is in reality what it is in hindsight – and that’s okay.

To be clear, I’m not going to close this edit-post window and clear out all my bookmarks immediately. I am, however, going to delete a couple at a time. And you know what? I’m still going to save the meatball recipe, because they were fun to make, and I really believe I can make them tastier. Because all my moments are new ones, and things can keep getting better as long as I can keep trying to improve things.

Have a really good day, and please, for the love of your sanity, keep all your bookmark folders full of important things.

Trailer Breakdown for An Unfortunate Teaser

5 Jul

Before I begin, I have to make two things clear.

1) Today, when I say “I’m crying,” I don’t mean in an angsty way.

2) Today, when I say “I’m crying,” I am not joking. I am 100%, hand over my heart, experiencing Mr. misty eyes syndrome and my nose is stuffed up and my voice is cracking.

I’m crying.

And it’s all because of this glittering pile of book-adapted treasure that has come to ruin my life and make sure I can’t focus on a single thing for the duration of the new week.

The day has come.

Click here to watch the official teaser for the TV series adaption of A Series of Unfortunate Events, and then stroll on back for some well-placed shrieks of anguish.

And in case you are tempted to say I didn’t warn you, remember, the illusive Lemony Snicket tried to stop you from the very Bad Beginning.

“In this [show], not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle.”

*melancholy music begins*
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Straight ahead, you’ll see an LP for the one and only Lemony Snicket tribute band. Behind you, you’ll see me, weeping with anguish and unable to speak.
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“Wow,” you breathe. “What a gorgeous set.” You find I am unable to reply, having begun to tear my hair.
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“Geez,” you comment. “That’s a little terrifying.” You stop talking when you realize I excused myself a few minutes ago to scream into a pillow in the room next door.
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Fun fact: While I was taking these screencaps in my room with the lights off, I was feverishly whispering under my breath “I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is happening to me.”
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Okay, that wasn’t a fun fact. But you know what is? That this is definitely a scene from the Reptile Room (Book the Second).
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And that those two tickets in the top left corner are to a Marvelous Marriage (Book the First).
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That the Mushroom Minutiae isn’t going to be incorporated until Book the Eleventh and that therefore I have no logical reason not to expect that the entire series is going to be coming to dark, miserable life.soue_8

Oh, and we can’t forget the Lucky Smells Lumbermill (Book the Fourth), the backdrop to my favorite recurring nightmares. Can’t wait to relive that horror show. soue_9

It’s hard to put into words just how I feel about the VFD eye on the top book getting represented on screen just the way it was illustrated in the original canon, but try to imagine waking up and finding that literally the only thing you wanted from TV for a good six years of your life is happening for real in YOUR REAL LIFE LIKE  W O W  CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING FOR REAL
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Give me three forlorn orphans making the most out of the worst conditions imaginable (more specifically, making puttanesca out of the worst conditions imaginable).
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Give me inventing and reading and biting.soue_12

Give me Lachrymose Leeches and Incredibly Deadly Vipers and give mesoue_13 soue_14

“… Count Olaf. It was the bad guy.”

Lemony Snicket
soue_15

soue_16

Do my hands normally shake like this?

soue_17Netflix has always been good to us, but today? Today it has given us a Vastly Fantastic Donative, (a word which here means “gift”) and we should all spend a moment in silence in respect to the man who sacrificed his own relative happiness and well-being to bring us the sad tale of the Baudelaire orphans.

It would only be appropriate to close with his words –

“Waiting is one of life’s hardships.”

________

Someone, please. Hold me.

______________________

EDIT: It has come to my attention that this trailer has been largely dismissed as fan-made. I can respect that (actually it’s way more impressive if it is fan-made), however, I would like to kindly remind you, while staying open to any and all outcomes, that the man who said this was a hoax was also the man that wrote “Please don’t read this” on the back of every book of a series that sold over 60 million copies world-wide.

I’m pretty interested to see how this pans out.

I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU | One Nerdy Turn Deserves Another Volume 3

5 Mar

Dear Jennifer,

You knew this was coming didn’t you? So far, our birthday gif volleys have included anime, general BBC, Psych, Community, Avengers – But on this, your twenty-second birthday, there was only one choice.

Let me try again.

Happy birthday, Jen! There may be no legally-recognized benefits to turning twenty-two, but hey, at twenty-one you can drink, and at twenty-two, you can be, uh, (checking lyrics) happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time?? In any case, I hope this day’s all magical and no miserable (oh yeahhhhhh). Tonight’s the night you forget about the deadlines (but not really because you’re an adult and you have to work tomorrow); it’s time.

WHOA-OH

Jennifer, YOU’RE TWENTY-TWO.

How did this even happen? You unspeakably darling young woman you, you’re growing up so fast. What are you going to get yourself for your birthday?

By the way, I will still come over to your house if you get that cat you’ve been talking about. I’ll even only be miserable in secret. But for the sake of all the people in your life that are allergic to cats, you should totally look into getting one that’s allergen-free. If not, you know, just make the decision between the people you love and housing an animal that will shed on everything you love.

More to the point of your impending new era of life: I think you’ll rule at it.

It’s been enchanting to meet you/know you my whole life, and I’m beyond stoked for our future adventures. And while I’m more or less convinced there’s not a person alive you couldn’t charm, the world is full of people who aren’t that nice and will try to deflect their discouraging thoughts and negativity toward you.

However, time has taught me, you, and clearly Taylor Swift a valuable lesson we should never forget.

So keep doing you, because you are glorious. Your positive attitude and ambitious excitement is contagious and you can use it to fire people up, amass armies, and just get crap done. It might seem weird to others at first…

But they’ll end up loving you for it. Devote time to figuring out what you want, devote what you want to the Lord, devote yourself to making it happen, and you can’t lose.

Disclaimer: Even then, it’s sometimes going to feel like you have no idea what you’re doing.

But hey, guess what?

Keep waking up in the morning and using what you’ve learned to start over. Check in with yourself from time to time to make sure you’re still fighting for something that matters to you and not losing yourself in the process.

And never ever be too proud to give yourself a pep talk.

Of course, if you’re ever not up for doing it yourself, then I’m very much available to give you that pep talk instead.

And don’t forget the importance of precision of speech.

(Rosemary you’re a disgrace)

Anyway, it is your birthday – I know you’re proud of all that “running a half-marathon” and “staying healthy” trash you’ve been been doing lately,

(and fine, you totally should be proud) but I hope you still find it in your heart to murder some birthday cake today as well.

((I am equal parts very ashamed and incredibly proud of that wordplay by the way. I have zero regrets and there’s no way you can prove to me you’re not chortling at my pun right now, so I win. I hope you’re reading this on your phone in public and making faces whenever I try to be funny.))

Hey, enjoy your twenty-second year of life, would you? Play to win, cos you love the game.

Have a very happy birthday.

And I hope this song is stuck in your head at least until the end of the week. (You deserve it)

2015 In Review

31 Dec btf22

I don’t think anyone would disagree with me if I said 2015 was a fantastic year.

Sure, it had its share of tragedies just like any year, but also like any year, it was full of well-intentioned people who tried their best, grew stronger and closer together, and learned.

And the hover boards are great.

Early 2015 hoverboard prototype

I’m sure I don’t have to remind you all of the hover board unveiling of early February. There wasn’t a single dry eye in my household, I can tell you. This was the day we’d all waited for. Related, several reliable sources have hinted that Samsung is releasing their own brand of H-board in late 2016. Fingers crossed for lower prices? I could barely swing the cost of my first one, and with the early trials battery life, I can hardly even ride it anymore.

Doesn’t work as well over water – not enough power yet

Until then, we’ll have to stick with the single brand who has cornered the market. I’d have to say no one was surprised to see this kind of quality innovation come from Apple. It’s a great product, but I was disappointed to see that the navigational features were pretty off. Apple Maps was bad before it was connected to a moving vehicle. This nation-wide scourge of confused, levitating people is something to behold.

Of course, fashion styles were a surprise, to say the least. In 2014, everyone was talking about how seventies and eighties fashion styles were back and that “nothing was ever new.” 2015 begged to differ. Early spring saw people sporting iridescent sundresses, magic marker facial designs, and a frankly astonishing amount of plastic and velvet where neither plastic nor velvet should have been.

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An average group of 2015 youth

At least it wasn’t until mid-autumn that the double-tie (regrettably) began to take hold.

A modern 2015 man

Some said triple-ties were going to make an appearance as well, but the people wearing those were outliers and should not have been counted.

The tragedies of the year should not be ignored, so I have to yet again offer my condolences to those affected by the Lawyer Purge. Though I try not to get involved in political affairs here on my blog, I think it was a disgusting act of negligence by the government to destroy thousands upon thousands of jobs when all the lawyers were abolished. Pro-Purgers insist that the judicial system is more swift than before, but at what price? The administration of justice has come to a screeching halt. Lawyers line the moving sidewalks, offering law advice in exchange for food. This is not what America is about. You know what? Don’t get me started.

A typical newspaper headline in 2015

That’s all I will say on the subject. I’m sorry to have brought politics into this, especially considering the truly glorious things that happened this year.

Among them? You guys know what I’m gonna say. I don’t think I’m alone in believing that Jaws 19 was the best yet. Sure, Jaws 5-18 all felt a bit rushed, but Jaws 19 absolutely knocked it out of the park.

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One of the spectacular and innovative Jaws 19 ads

This time, it was really, really personal.

I feel proud of what I’ve accomplished this year, who I’ve become, and the dragons I’ve raised. Feel free to comment what the best moment of 2015 was for you! It’s been great being here with you as we bid another year a fond farewell.

Here’s to a bright and shiny 2016!

and Great Scott.

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