You’re here because you love movies.
Therefore, you’ve become aware of the upsetting lack of movies about Cinderella. Sure, you’ve seen movies like “Cinderella,” “A Cinderella Story,” “Ever After: A Cinderella Story,” “Cinderella,” and last but not least, “Cinderella,” but you and I both know it’s never been enough.
Worry no longer my sweets, for today, the official trailer for Cinderella was released to a grateful public.
Please, enjoy the trailer and then come back here and say with me, in a puzzled yet intrigued voice, “well okay but why?”
Not even being facetious right now, I honest-to-goodness thought I was watching the Maleficent trailer again.
“I want to tell you a secret that will see you through all the trials that life can offer.”
this went from zero to sad real quick buddy
“Have courage and be kind.”
Mmm as far as secrets go, that one was less “I have magic hair that glows when I sing” and more “We are standing by a wishing well” in quality.
(Come on, guys, these are the jokes)
1. Animal thrown on the ground
2. Said animal is a cat
3. on a leash
You ever hear about visual cues?
“She’ll merely be your stepmother! And you’ll have two lovely sisters to keep you company. So I know as far away as I may be that you’ll be safe.”
Okay, I get that you re-married so that your daughter could have a mother figure, but where’d you even find this lady?
“Wanted: one adult woman to live in a mansion with a lonely widower and his beautiful daughter…
“… interview not necessary. Just move on in. Key’s under the mat, but first go ahead and try the door; it’s usually unlocked.”
“Wouldn’t you prefer to eat when all the work is done, Ella?”
“Oh, you needn’t call me that. ‘Madam’ will do.”
All right, ladies. Ella is a mess. Time to flex your bullying muscles. What have you got?
“Cinder wench – Dirty Ella!”
Oh my gosh, Anastasia. Are you serious. “Dirty Ella.” That’s not even mean. That’s just an observation.
I could call you “Easter-time Anastasia” but you wouldn’t think it was an insult. You probably should, though. You look like an Easter egg.
See, Drizella’s been listening. Drizella’s getting a raise and a health plan.
If you’re not running away, what are you doing?
I mean, that house is no good for you grow up in HOLD UP WHO IS THAT
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!”
Ah yes, grabbing a beautiful stranger by the waist. A well-respected and time-honored mating call.
“Are you all right? Miss – what do they call you?”
“Never mind what they call me.”
“It’s not your doing.”
“Nor yours either, I’ll bet. I hope to see you again, Miss.”
“Can I say something even crazier? YES.”
“And I you.”
“I hope to see you again”? That’s all? What is this, Sleepless in Seattle? You didn’t even get a shoe to contact her by.
“Ella, you have more kindness in your little finger than most people possess in their whole body.”
Well, the founder of SHIELD would know. Peggy has seen some serious trash.
what are you doi
oh mY GOSH YES GUSGUS
“It was my mother’s old dress!”
All right, ladies, she’s feeling good about herself, you know what to do.
Except you. Wipe that look off your face, Anastasia. You’ve given up your right to judge. Let the others have a turn.
“It would be an insult to take you to the palace dressed in these old rags.”
There we go. Take notes, Anastasia. My heart just underwent some physical pain. That’s what we’re going for.
“You shall not go to the ball.”
Today’s Encouraging Word: Every bit of debilitating emotional trauma you endure takes you one step closer to being a Disney princess. It’s a rock fact!
“Excuse me, why are you crying?”
Excuse me, why are you a computer program? Disney couldn’t find a real old person? I know like sixty of them and they’re all able-bodied enough to hobble around under a cloak.
“Who are you?”
“Sorry for the mess, I just got back from cursing an eleven-year-old French prince for being shallow,”
“Helena Bonham Carter?”
“My fairy godmother!”
That’s a normal enough thing that you just know? Is this actually Ella Enchanted?
Yeah, let’s take it somewhere warmer, maybe the greenhouse. As long as you don’t turn any items of food into massive modes of transportation, we’ll be
“Now, where’s mice?”
If you were hoping to get through this breakdown without thinking this is an alternate universe Bellatrix LeStrange, I hope you have better luck than I did.
I am at once delighted and utterly horrified.
“Avada kedavra you pink disaster”
“Bippity Boppity Boo”
I actually thought I had it with that second one. I don’t feel like this is a musical, so we better at least get a BippityBoppity in this movie.
Yes yes I like this sequence, it can stay. I won’t even make fun of that butterfly.
And I really really want to.
“They’re made of glass!”
Oh good, more butterflies.
Sure, you could pay attention to Cinderella, and that would be understandable. She’s beautiful, and look how shiny her dress is!
But look at her footman’s EXPRESSION
Eyes front, soldier.
“And you’ll find they’re really comfortable.
Now off you go, for you shall go to the ball.”
And the footman wonders if he ever shall win the attention of the beautiful human.
“I could get used to a view like this.”
(In this scenario, his three buddies are the Stabbington brothers, by the way)
Welcome, my old friend, the Oh-right-I-don’t-know-anyone-at-this-party face.
Hey, the sideburns are comin’ in nice, huh? Gotta be excited about that.
“They’re all looking at you,”
“Believe me, they’re all looking at you.”
“After all,” he wanted to continue, “you’re literally covered in glitter and butterflies.”
He held back, however.
He was raised to be charming, not sincere.
Oh man, this is so far beyond pretty.
“Where there is kindness, there is goodness.
♪Did I abuse her or show her disdain? Why does she run from me?♬
And where there is goodness, there is magic.”
Rich boy has too much time on his hands and way too much clothing the color of milk.
♪No? Oh. I see how it is. Rapunzel knows best, Rapunzel’s so mature now♫
Man, I just want to watch Tangled now. How did this happen? That was like the opposite of what this trailer was supposed to do.
“I have to see her again.”
Sure you do. What’s her last name? What’s her favorite food? Best friends’s name? Eye color? Foot size?
Because you would be surprised how in handy that knowledge might come.
“Are you looking for this?”
Love is an open doooor
Life could be so much mooore – with you.
That’s right, Anastasia, we went with Drizella’s suggestion. Because she knows what the audience wants you infernal dunce
(All joking aside, it looks gorgeous, certainly well-made enough, at that music score is on point, but who here is genuinely excited about this movie? I would very much like to be, but I need to feed off of someone else’s enthusiasm please and thank you)