On the Wing

25 Aug

It’s important to start a hunting trip off at least partly on your terms. No one on the trip should feel bullied into anything, or like nothing is in their favor. This, of course, means different things for different people.

If you take my route, you might spend the night before the trip loading an hour and a half of Jim Gaffigan and John Mulaney onto your phone. If you take my father’s, you may purposely download a terrible podcast and insist on listening to it for at least half an hour.

This is how my second turkey hunt with my dad began.

It takes several hours for my dad and I to drive down to our regular hunting grounds every season, and though every trip is different, there are always the same subjects that are brought up on the way down. We always pass the High Desert museum, where I typically recall a memory from my youth, a tidbit about my friend who used to work there, or any museum-related word vomit. It usually is about forty seconds after that when I suggest we skip our destination and head straight for California or Ashland directly below. This trip in particular, I’m sure that on some subliminal level I was aware that I say that every time, but I didn’t become conscious of it until my dad took in a long breath and said slowly, “I’m going to stop driving you in this direction.”

When we arrived at our destination, we touched base with our regular contact and exchanged hellos. He told us to go talk to his grandfather, the true owner of the land that we had hunted on for so many years. We already had permission to hunt, but it wouldn’t hurt to be polite, now would it? It never does.

We found the landowner’s home with the help of his grandson’s directions, “a mobile home with lots of cars around it. It looks like a lot of garbage.” It wasn’t difficult to find. We parked in the drive way and made our way up some very slippery stairs and dad knocked on a rotting door while I shared uncomfortable, extended eye contact with the most eerie housecat I’d ever seen.

He knocked again, after pointing out a puppy in a far-off doghouse. It blinked but made no sound.

He knocked one more time while I eyed a row of curious and rainbow-like chickens sitting on a handrail.

He was not answering. The animals did not welcome us. Moss was probably starting to grow over our bodies as they grew colder with no explanation. I almost definitely saw a ghost.

As we walked away, dad commented on the fact that there was smoke rising from both the chimneys and the landowner probably just didn’t hear us. I suggested that he was casting a spell. Dad nodded solemnly. We weren’t out here to judge, after all, and what we were there for was a little longer coming.

We found a flock of turkeys, which we both did a lot to chase away. After a couple of hours, it was starting to rain and most of the turkeys had figured out what was going on and taken wing.

All except for one. One turkey, sitting on the edge of a cliff on the other side of a muddy-looking ravine, and looking none too worried about why all the others had left.

I mounted my shotgun, held the bead on its head, and pulled the trigger. A burst of feathers flew outwards, but the bird I had hit was sailing straight down.

Right. The cliff.

Gravity. Right.

I heard a splash – but it took place a long while after the bird disappeared.

We hurried to the edge of the cliff and looked down. Dad and I had known the stream was there, but it still managed to surprise. It was thirty feet down with steep mud-and-clay walls around it and the water itself was an opaque brown with streaks of darker brown, constantly moving, constantly splashing, and constantly super, super brown.

Like, you know, a turkey.

Thankfully, Dad found the bird before I did, because I was a couple weeks out on that pursuit. He climbed all the way down the slope, plucked the bird out of the water, and tossed it up onto one of the only ledges in the ditch. He shouted that he was going to climb back up a different way, and I decided it was my turn to go down. I made it to the bird and devised a foolproof way to get back up again, but it required I put all my weight on a tree branch that was actively looking for excuses to join the brown below. It also required I have enough semblance of upper body strength to carry an adult turkey above my head.

That plan was not destined to go well.

My plan B to wind it up like a shot put and toss it. Without the afore-mentioned muscle tone, that obviously didn’t work either. I tried though; I tried until I was covered in the feathers of my turkey and the disapproving stares of the sparrows around me.

Finally I realized I hadn’t seen Dad in a while, and my priorities shifted from ever escaping my muddy hell to yelling his name for a solid five minutes before he peeked over the edge of the surface and I chucked a turkey at him with all of my remaining strength (not a lot).

With both hands free, I was able to more easily climb the walls, an endeavor that made necessary the truly singular pleasure of ripping chunks of stinking, heavy mud out of the vertical ground to create footholds.

Once we were both skyside again, I remember looking down at myself and thinking something along the lines of “ten showers should do it.” Dad and I were the exact shade and stench of the creek, but we had claimed the bird.

As we walked back to the car and discussed all the other birds that we had spooked, we took turns glaring down at the turkey I was dragging through the grass.

People who don’t agree with the act of hunting animals for food often cite that the animals can’t defend themselves, and how would you feel if they treated you as you treat them?

I have never been hunted with a shotgun. I hope to never be.

But today? Today that turkey got its revenge.

If turkey spirits linger before making their way to the happy hunting-free grounds in the sky, this one was splitting a feathered side watching me and dad try to scrape the mud off our hands with any sharp edge we came across on the rainy trek back to the truck.

(I’m sure he ascended before he had to listen to that podcast on the way home)

I may have won the battle, but the turkey won the war.

And for that, the bird has my undying respect.

Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined Part 5

17 Aug

Welcome to the long-coming fifth installment of Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined (Parts 1, 2, 3, 4): Your source for when you want to start deciding where you fit in the world – just not quite enough to close Netflix in that other tab.

I’m here for you babe.

Let’s get started.

Director of SHIELD

Upside: Action, excitement, close proximity to Thor’s arms and a high probability of getting Captain America to sign your vintage box set of superhero cards.

Downside: What job security? Plus, your stance in the Civil War, which you’re so proud and certain of now, comes into play in a far more violent and emotional way when you have to tell the characters themselves who you’re siding with.

Scientist/Inventor

Upside: You’re incredibly intelligent, and you use that to make a difference. Your work does important things. Whether you go Flint Lockwood and make it rain food, or you go Reed Richards and teleport four people to another dimension while roaring drunk (geez, you cinematic moron, what’s wrong with you), you followed the calling that was laid out before you when you discovered you were a dark-haired nerd with one friend. Good for you!

Downside: You’ve let yourself in for a lot of angst, kid. You might lead your loving older brother to a burning science expo that gets him killed. You might create rat-birds. You might even create a whole new breed of dinosaurs. All your friends (one) are going to hate you for a little while, because wow, do you make bad decisions in the name of science.

Lawyer

Upside: You believe in the truth, and you fight for justice. You are determined to make sure the innocent live happily and that the guilty are found out for their true selves. You’re clever and have hidden talents that make you extremely adept at what you do. Is that talent your heightened senses and a built-in lie detector? Or is it your extensive knowledge of hair care and post-perm protocol? Either way, you rule.

Downside: It can be hard to make it in law. People expect you to be a lying cheat, or maybe they just don’t pay you any attention at all and you barely scrape by financially, forcing your partner to steal tea and bagels from next door and forcing you to be a nightmarish vigilante in your spare time. But hey, that’s not everybody.

Some people are Elle Woods.

Dragon Rider

Upside: Dragons. I shouldn’t need to say more than that, but I will. You get to form a bond with your reptilian companion, you play the part of a warrior, you get to meet interesting and often terrifying people, and you get to fly on the regular. Also? Dragon racing. It’s like dragon quidditch, and nothing has ever been cooler than that ever e v e r  e  v  e  r

Downside: Definitely a dangerous career. Dragons are fiercely protective, but not necessarily of you. Plus, warfare with other dragon riders is not something you want to get involved in.

Tourist Trap Manager (See also: Con man)

Upside: Your lifestyle is run by imagination. You want to charge people to get into your eccentric home? Glue an armadillo to a possum. Instant Ripley’s Believe it or Not. Put that money directly into my pocket, please. Plus, it’s the perfect cover if you’re working on something secretive in your basement. Suspicious types that could potentially pose a threat won’t bother you, and the naive people who do don’t know what to look for.

Downside: Are your lying and nefarious experiments worth the valuable relationships you could be poisoning? Are they really? Secrets don’t make friends. Your life and your choices makes me so upset, please, give me a minute here.

Raptor Trainer (Alpha Raptor)

Upside: Are you kidding me? Are you Kidding?? Me??? YOU HAVE RAPTOR CHILDREN WHO BEAT UP BAD GUYS WITH YOU ARE YOU KI DD I N G M E  ?  S I G N  M E  U P

Downside: Your raptor children want to eat you. And this ain’t no quick death by mosasaurus, my friend, you’re gonna feel every bite.

______________________________

There’s really no point in fooling around when it comes to a decision as big as a career. This is my fifth and final of these analyses now, so please, think it over, and let me know.

I just want the best for you. So don’t you freaking dare create rat-birds or I will hunt you down

13.1k Likes

13 Aug

You know what’s scary? How big the internet is. It’s huge. It’s so huge, there’s no way to definitively measure it and have that figure be accurate for long.

So if you misplace a webpage and it doesn’t come up on the first page of google, it can feel like misplacing a child in Ikea.

When you lose something on the internet, you have two options. One is defeatist:

“I’m definitely never going to find that ever ever again,”

and one is blindly confident:

“I KNOW IT’S OUT THERE.”

This uncomfortable choice of attitudes will lead people to take all sorts of precautions. I myself, over the period of a couple months, chose to bookmark every webpage or I ever enjoyed or thought I might enjoy at some point.

That worked until I had to scroll through pages as long as the Count of Monte Christo to find that one gif I liked four days ago. I still haven’t deleted them all and honestly, I barely have the energy to try.

A lot of websites include a “like” function that lets you save things for later. What a thoughtful idea! Until you have 13.1 thousand likes and you know you put something in there just, like, a week ago that would totally come in handy right now if onLY YOU COULD FIND IT

I once searched for a specific comment on a Reddit thread for an intensely focused thirty minutes. This wouldn’t even be that bad, but I was at a party at the time. I was literally talking with someone at a party and interrupted myself to pull out my phone and say, “No wait, I’ve got to find it first.”

(Honestly that story makes the potentially well-balanced adult inside of me cry)

I once searched for a specific recipe for two and a half years before I found it. Given, it wasn’t near as intense a search as it was for the elusive reddit comment. But I started searching the day after I enjoyed a hastily-found internet recipe at a friend’s house, and I finished a year and a half after she had moved on, gotten married and moved house.

It wasn’t even all that good a recipe, to be honest. Not enough seasoning.

Anyway, my point is that I totally bookmarked that page anyway. I still have it bookmarked, just in case I want to relive a mediocre meatball experience in a weak effort to recapture a day that is now almost four years ago.

Because losing things is terrifying.

Webpages and images like the ones that I “like” on tumblr are supposed to be silly little nodes of entertainment, but whether or not I can find them again is still supposed to be something under my control and, though I screw up most of the things that are under my control, I still want something to be charge of, and if all that is is a difficult guitar tab for a song I no longer enjoy, then so be it, that thing is staying in my favorites folder until a sun flare burns up my laptop.

Losing things is terrifying. Letting go of unimportant things is meant to be this liberating experience, but it makes me feel like I’m dumping valuables in the trash and ever waiting for someone to come around and say

“Where did [insert thrown away item here] go?”

“Oh, that. I tossed it because I am unspeakably bad at processing consequences.”

This is a vivid example of why nostalgia is very threatening to me. Nostalgia is a sort of homesickness for a home that is no longer yours, because time is always going on. There are places and times you’re never going to return to, and that sounds so hopeless to me.

But it can’t be hopeless, can it? Nothing is really hopeless, even though I tell myself they are. After all, if I was able to go back and work in a moment I’d lived before, I would destroy it. (That’s kind of how I do) I would graffiti it with my escapist attitude and it would never be the same. As it is, I get new moments all the time. I’m making new mistakes because I know not to make the old ones.

I will have my new moments and I will make them what my old ones couldn’t be. I’ll get over the website I found mildly entertaining a couple of months ago. Not everything is in reality what it is in hindsight – and that’s okay.

To be clear, I’m not going to close this edit-post window and clear out all my bookmarks immediately. I am, however, going to delete a couple at a time. And you know what? I’m still going to save the meatball recipe, because they were fun to make, and I really believe I can make them tastier. Because all my moments are new ones, and things can keep getting better as long as I can keep trying to improve things.

Have a really good day, and please, for the love of your sanity, keep all your bookmark folders full of important things.

Trailer Breakdown for An Unfortunate Teaser

5 Jul

Before I begin, I have to make two things clear.

1) Today, when I say “I’m crying,” I don’t mean in an angsty way.

2) Today, when I say “I’m crying,” I am not joking. I am 100%, hand over my heart, experiencing Mr. misty eyes syndrome and my nose is stuffed up and my voice is cracking.

I’m crying.

And it’s all because of this glittering pile of book-adapted treasure that has come to ruin my life and make sure I can’t focus on a single thing for the duration of the new week.

The day has come.

Click here to watch the official teaser for the TV series adaption of A Series of Unfortunate Events, and then stroll on back for some well-placed shrieks of anguish.

And in case you are tempted to say I didn’t warn you, remember, the illusive Lemony Snicket tried to stop you from the very Bad Beginning.

“In this [show], not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle.”

*melancholy music begins*
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Straight ahead, you’ll see an LP for the one and only Lemony Snicket tribute band. Behind you, you’ll see me, weeping with anguish and unable to speak.
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“Wow,” you breathe. “What a gorgeous set.” You find I am unable to reply, having begun to tear my hair.
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“Geez,” you comment. “That’s a little terrifying.” You stop talking when you realize I excused myself a few minutes ago to scream into a pillow in the room next door.
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Fun fact: While I was taking these screencaps in my room with the lights off, I was feverishly whispering under my breath “I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is happening to me.”
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Okay, that wasn’t a fun fact. But you know what is? That this is definitely a scene from the Reptile Room (Book the Second).
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And that those two tickets in the top left corner are to a Marvelous Marriage (Book the First).
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That the Mushroom Minutiae isn’t going to be incorporated until Book the Eleventh and that therefore I have no logical reason not to expect that the entire series is going to be coming to dark, miserable life.soue_8

Oh, and we can’t forget the Lucky Smells Lumbermill (Book the Fourth), the backdrop to my favorite recurring nightmares. Can’t wait to relive that horror show. soue_9

It’s hard to put into words just how I feel about the VFD eye on the top book getting represented on screen just the way it was illustrated in the original canon, but try to imagine waking up and finding that literally the only thing you wanted from TV for a good six years of your life is happening for real in YOUR REAL LIFE LIKE  W O W  CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING FOR REAL
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Give me three forlorn orphans making the most out of the worst conditions imaginable (more specifically, making puttanesca out of the worst conditions imaginable).
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Give me inventing and reading and biting.soue_12

Give me Lachrymose Leeches and Incredibly Deadly Vipers and give mesoue_13 soue_14

“… Count Olaf. It was the bad guy.”

Lemony Snicket
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Do my hands normally shake like this?

soue_17Netflix has always been good to us, but today? Today it has given us a Vastly Fantastic Donative, (a word which here means “gift”) and we should all spend a moment in silence in respect to the man who sacrificed his own relative happiness and well-being to bring us the sad tale of the Baudelaire orphans.

It would only be appropriate to close with his words –

“Waiting is one of life’s hardships.”

________

Someone, please. Hold me.

______________________

EDIT: It has come to my attention that this trailer has been largely dismissed as fan-made. I can respect that (actually it’s way more impressive if it is fan-made), however, I would like to kindly remind you, while staying open to any and all outcomes, that the man who said this was a hoax was also the man that wrote “Please don’t read this” on the back of every book of a series that sold over 60 million copies world-wide.

I’m pretty interested to see how this pans out.

I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU | One Nerdy Turn Deserves Another Volume 3

5 Mar

Dear Jennifer,

You knew this was coming didn’t you? So far, our birthday gif volleys have included anime, general BBC, Psych, Community, Avengers – But on this, your twenty-second birthday, there was only one choice.

Let me try again.

Happy birthday, Jen! There may be no legally-recognized benefits to turning twenty-two, but hey, at twenty-one you can drink, and at twenty-two, you can be, uh, (checking lyrics) happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time?? In any case, I hope this day’s all magical and no miserable (oh yeahhhhhh). Tonight’s the night you forget about the deadlines (but not really because you’re an adult and you have to work tomorrow); it’s time.

WHOA-OH

Jennifer, YOU’RE TWENTY-TWO.

How did this even happen? You unspeakably darling young woman you, you’re growing up so fast. What are you going to get yourself for your birthday?

By the way, I will still come over to your house if you get that cat you’ve been talking about. I’ll even only be miserable in secret. But for the sake of all the people in your life that are allergic to cats, you should totally look into getting one that’s allergen-free. If not, you know, just make the decision between the people you love and housing an animal that will shed on everything you love.

More to the point of your impending new era of life: I think you’ll rule at it.

It’s been enchanting to meet you/know you my whole life, and I’m beyond stoked for our future adventures. And while I’m more or less convinced there’s not a person alive you couldn’t charm, the world is full of people who aren’t that nice and will try to deflect their discouraging thoughts and negativity toward you.

However, time has taught me, you, and clearly Taylor Swift a valuable lesson we should never forget.

So keep doing you, because you are glorious. Your positive attitude and ambitious excitement is contagious and you can use it to fire people up, amass armies, and just get crap done. It might seem weird to others at first…

But they’ll end up loving you for it. Devote time to figuring out what you want, devote what you want to the Lord, devote yourself to making it happen, and you can’t lose.

Disclaimer: Even then, it’s sometimes going to feel like you have no idea what you’re doing.

But hey, guess what?

Keep waking up in the morning and using what you’ve learned to start over. Check in with yourself from time to time to make sure you’re still fighting for something that matters to you and not losing yourself in the process.

And never ever be too proud to give yourself a pep talk.

Of course, if you’re ever not up for doing it yourself, then I’m very much available to give you that pep talk instead.

And don’t forget the importance of precision of speech.

(Rosemary you’re a disgrace)

Anyway, it is your birthday – I know you’re proud of all that “running a half-marathon” and “staying healthy” trash you’ve been been doing lately,

(and fine, you totally should be proud) but I hope you still find it in your heart to murder some birthday cake today as well.

((I am equal parts very ashamed and incredibly proud of that wordplay by the way. I have zero regrets and there’s no way you can prove to me you’re not chortling at my pun right now, so I win. I hope you’re reading this on your phone in public and making faces whenever I try to be funny.))

Hey, enjoy your twenty-second year of life, would you? Play to win, cos you love the game.

Have a very happy birthday.

And I hope this song is stuck in your head at least until the end of the week. (You deserve it)

2015 In Review

31 Dec btf22

I don’t think anyone would disagree with me if I said 2015 was a fantastic year.

Sure, it had its share of tragedies just like any year, but also like any year, it was full of well-intentioned people who tried their best, grew stronger and closer together, and learned.

And the hover boards are great.

Early 2015 hoverboard prototype

I’m sure I don’t have to remind you all of the hover board unveiling of early February. There wasn’t a single dry eye in my household, I can tell you. This was the day we’d all waited for. Related, several reliable sources have hinted that Samsung is releasing their own brand of H-board in late 2016. Fingers crossed for lower prices? I could barely swing the cost of my first one, and with the early trials battery life, I can hardly even ride it anymore.

Doesn’t work as well over water – not enough power yet

Until then, we’ll have to stick with the single brand who has cornered the market. I’d have to say no one was surprised to see this kind of quality innovation come from Apple. It’s a great product, but I was disappointed to see that the navigational features were pretty off. Apple Maps was bad before it was connected to a moving vehicle. This nation-wide scourge of confused, levitating people is something to behold.

Of course, fashion styles were a surprise, to say the least. In 2014, everyone was talking about how seventies and eighties fashion styles were back and that “nothing was ever new.” 2015 begged to differ. Early spring saw people sporting iridescent sundresses, magic marker facial designs, and a frankly astonishing amount of plastic and velvet where neither plastic nor velvet should have been.

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An average group of 2015 youth

At least it wasn’t until mid-autumn that the double-tie (regrettably) began to take hold.

A modern 2015 man

Some said triple-ties were going to make an appearance as well, but the people wearing those were outliers and should not have been counted.

The tragedies of the year should not be ignored, so I have to yet again offer my condolences to those affected by the Lawyer Purge. Though I try not to get involved in political affairs here on my blog, I think it was a disgusting act of negligence by the government to destroy thousands upon thousands of jobs when all the lawyers were abolished. Pro-Purgers insist that the judicial system is more swift than before, but at what price? The administration of justice has come to a screeching halt. Lawyers line the moving sidewalks, offering law advice in exchange for food. This is not what America is about. You know what? Don’t get me started.

A typical newspaper headline in 2015

That’s all I will say on the subject. I’m sorry to have brought politics into this, especially considering the truly glorious things that happened this year.

Among them? You guys know what I’m gonna say. I don’t think I’m alone in believing that Jaws 19 was the best yet. Sure, Jaws 5-18 all felt a bit rushed, but Jaws 19 absolutely knocked it out of the park.

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One of the spectacular and innovative Jaws 19 ads

This time, it was really, really personal.

I feel proud of what I’ve accomplished this year, who I’ve become, and the dragons I’ve raised. Feel free to comment what the best moment of 2015 was for you! It’s been great being here with you as we bid another year a fond farewell.

Here’s to a bright and shiny 2016!

and Great Scott.

Trailer Breakdown for Inside Out

10 Dec io_67

Today, Disney-Pixar presented the general public with a glorious gift, one that I had almost feared would never arrive – an official Inside Out trailer that was not just a commercial for Disney Pixar studios at large. Don’t get me wrong, I got misty watching that early teaser, but it didn’t do much for the movie it was pretending to market.

Unlike this one, of course. Treat yourself.

One little tip for watching this trailer: it’s fine by itself, sure. But when a trailer is as dialogue-heavy, food-chewing-heavy, and music score-light as this one, sometimes, you have to add your own soundtrack.

This bad boy syncs perfectly with the subject matter, play it while watching the preview on mute you’re welcome
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*uncomfortable chewing noises and now you know why I wanted music*io_2

“So, how was the first day of school?”
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“It was fine, I guess. I don’t know.”

Is this your first time being angsty and secretive? It’s okay honey, you’ll get better at it. It just takes time and bitterness.io_4

Voiceover: “Do you ever look at someone and wonder, ‘what is going on inside their head?'”io_5

Doo wee oooooo EEEE oooooio_6

“Did you guys pick up on that?”

“Mhm, mhm.”

“Something’s wrong.”

I have never before thought of this range of emotions as adorable. This is a whole new frontier of cute.
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“We’re gonna find out what’s happening. But we need support. Signal the husband.”

Sadness is running this woman’s show? That makes me sad. Wait. Wait what are your glasses connected to this is making me uncomfortableio_9

“Ahem.”io_10 io_11

Okay but am I seriously the only one waiting for some flying text to come out and say “starring David Tennant”io_12

MUSTACHIOED EMOTIONS

what a time to be alive

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whaaaaaat come on guys you could do better.io_14

“AHEM”

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A wild wife appears!io_16

“Uh-oh. She’s looking at us.”

I know that feel, bro.

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“What did she say?”

“Oh, uh, sorry sir, no one was listening.”

STOP IMMEDIATELY. I WAS HOPING TO BE ANNOYED WITH HIS STEREOTYPING; I DID NOT WANT TO IDENTIFY SO STRONGLY WITH HIM.
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“Is it garbage night? We left the toilet seat up. What? What is it, woman, what?”

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“Signal him again.”

Even her emotions have to have coffee. You poor baby, let me hold you.io_21

Aw man, for real buddy. You might not have been listening, but right now your daughter is eating Chinese food but still looks upset. This is serious now.io_22

Buddy.io_23

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“Ah. So, Riley, how was school?”

#Naileditio_26

“Really?”

“Augh!”

“You gotta be kidding me!”io_27

“For this we gave up that Brazilian helicopter pilot?”

You what? No wonder Sadness is in charge.io_28

So is Riley the main character, or are her emotions the stars?io_29

Because, I mean, Riley herself isn’t voiced by two of the best comedy actors ever born.io_30

Mindy Kaling, you are perfect even when you don’t say anything.io_31

“School was great, all right?”io_32

“What was that?! I thought you said we were gonna ‘act casual!'”

Bill Hader, you are perfect all the time always be in every movie please.io_33

“Riley! Is everything okay?”io_34

“Uhhhhhhhgh”io_35

“Sir, she just rolled her eyes at us.”

I love how that’s the only cue he chose to pick up on. That is so telling. I’m gonna go yell about animators and filmmakers now.io_36

“All right. Make a show of force. I don’t want to have to put the foot down.”io_37

“No! Not the foot!”

*Psycho music plays*io_38

“Riley, I do not like this new attitude.”

and so misplaced, I mean, come on, Chinese food

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“Oh, I’ll show you attitude, old man.”

“No. Nono breathe -“io_40

ohman visual representations of abstract concepts are so IMPORTANTio_41

“What is your problem? Just leave me alone!”

Can we talk about how her sweater has all the colors of her emotions? And how red and green are the most prominent? Can we do that?io_42

“Sir! Reporting high levels of sass!”

Hold up a minute, Dad’s disgust has been around, but he’s not looking nearly as disgusted as I would assume such an emotion should. io_43

“Take it to Defcon 2!”

Maybe this guy’s Disgust-emotion-employee is faulty? I mean, it would explain his tie decisions.io_45

“I don’t know where this disrespectful attitude came from,”

I’m more worried about where you picked up the tie, kid.io_46

“You wanna piece of this, Pops?”

Mm, yes, my emotions, as well, occasionally take on the personality of gangsters from 1940s cartoons.io_47

“Yeah, well, well-“io_48

“Prepare the foot.”io_49

“Keys to safety position!”io_50io_51

This is quite the production. I’m a little bit scared of the foot.io_52

“Ready to launch on your command, Sir!”io_53io_54

Everyone recognizes the Cold War of familial relationships.
io_55

Aaaaand nuclear.io_56

“Just shut up!”io_57

“Fire!”io_58

“That’s it! Go to your room!”

Wow.

That foot was never up very high to begin with.

io_59

io_60

“Foot is down! The foot is down!”

He’s so proud there are SIGNS
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“Good job, gentlemen. That could have been a disaster.”

Turn the soccer back on, you’ve earned it.io_62

“Well that was a disaster.”

Look at Joy sitting there. She looks so under-utilized.io_64

That’s it, baby. Spread those wings.io_65

“Come. Fly with me, Gatinha!”

Fun fact for everyone out there trying to woo some ladies: no one can resist being called a kitten (but maybe try it in a different language).

io_66

Look at them. Putty. Try it today!io_67

Man, this looks so adorable I am so excited for this cutie pieio_68WHAT PUNS YES

I’m sold. Way to finish strong, kittens.

This Week On “Wait, Sorry, What?”

9 Dec

Last month marked my one-year anniversary of landing my first job.

Early in said employment, I overheard my then-supervisor telling a technician that yeah, she had gotten an evaluation shortly after she first started working here.

If you know me at all, or if you have a mental environment anything like mine, you can probably guess how I reacted to that particular bout of eavesdropping.

I panicked.

Everything I’d ever done wrong at the job or could conceivably do wrong in the future flashed before my eyes set to the tune of an eerie Lorde song.

When was this coming? I figured it would be at the end of my three-month trial employment. It wasn’t. Maybe six months? Half a year? That made sense. But no. So it had to be on my anniversary, right?

Apparently not.

But in case you thought my mind was a healthy place to be, no, I have not stopped thinking about it. So now? I think maybe the best thing I can do to put my mind at ease is to write it myself.


 

Performance Summary

  • What are the employee’s strongest points?

Speaks clearly on the phone, is kind to customers, willingly laughs at jokes that are severely unfunny, and has a genuine desire to do things right.

Has the workforce’s second-best handwriting and the best spelling. Has become the office standby for “how do you spell” questions. Was asked by a co-worker how to spell the word “own” once and she didn’t even make fun of him (and she really, really wanted to).

  • What are the employee’s weakest points?

Often goes about her tasks with an air of confusion if said tasks were not spelled out in excruciatingly excessive detail to her.

Gets defensive easily. Four months into her employment with our business, she responded to “How are you liking it here,” with (and I quote) “Fine! Good. What, uh, why, did I do something wrong?”

Broke the desk chair but we forgive her because we probably should have guessed she was going to be using the foot bar more than a normal person since she’s painfully short and needs the altitude

Didn’t know the difference between a copier and a printer until she had been here six months. That’s not a learning curve. That’s a mental block.

  • What can the employee do to be more effective or make improvements?

Sometimes it seems as though she has mild hearing loss and things have to be shouted to her. This, however, may well have to do with the fact that Jukebox the Ghost and Bastille is often blasting from her desk speakers. Turning the music down very low (or even off) might aid communication. Or maybe switching to country music like everyone else here

  • What additional training would benefit the employee?

We’re not certain whether or not she was ever instructed on this, but someone should probably tell her we can all hear it when she listens to Jim Gaffigan upstairs in the break room.

  • Any additional comments – 

The office has smelled much better since she started working here. Between the air filter she dragged in and the Bath and Body Works Wallflower she plugged in during the summertime, you can barely tell by scent anymore that we are adjacent to a medical marijuana dispensary.

Has left a series of confusing objects around the building, including but not limited to a small plastic dragon, an angry-looking vinyl anime character, and a stack of drawings (not meant to be found, we think) containing mostly pictures of a sinister, floating triangle with a top hat and bow tie.

None of us even want to know what that means.


Well, I’m sure I’ve over-thought this entire ordeal. Or at least I like to think I have.

Chances are, that is not what that evaluation would look like, but it feels good to get this off my chest in some way. However, as only one person seems to have noticed how long I’ve been here, I don’t even think it’s forth-coming anymore.

In any case, it helps that the effect I was going for anyway was a sort of friendly ghost who helps out but doesn’t get in the way. You know, as in no one’s sure how many generations I’ve been here for, but I clearly mean no harm?

“That’s our resident specter,” my boss will explain to the next hire. “We saw her placing a curse on the small desk printer once, but it was already pretty condemned, so none of us are worried.”

“What?” I’ll moan, my semi-transparent head spinning towards them. “Are you guys talking about me? Did I do something wrong? That chair was broken when I got here.”

Thanks

28 Nov

Pro Tip: Being gracious is one of the best habits you can procure.

rock fact

Here’s the thing.

My beloved and utterly adorable niece is recently two years old. She’s decided to forgo any food that’s not yogurt or cake. Her favorite hobbies include saying “play toy?” three hundred times in a row when her parents are about to fall asleep. On occasion, she’ll find a smooth stone and pull a David and Goliath with the nearest on-looker.

But let me tell you something about my niece – she will always say “please” and “thank you” right on cue, and suddenly the entire room is on its knees. 

Repetitions of “awwww” echo around the room and the person who has most recently suffered her biblical slingshot attack sits up and whispers, “so polite!”

Obviously, this does not translate directly into the language of those over the age of five, but you still get what I’m saying. People notice when you are kind. Given, common courtesy is an easily learned habit, but being gracious, especially when it’s not necessary, is so far beyond delightful.

Today is Black Friday, a day whose blood-curdling screams can be heard in the nightmares of retail workers all over.

Due to my timing, it seems like being nice to your cashiers and shelf-stockers is the obvious moral for this post, and sure, that’s important too. Customer service workers have more internalized anger than anyone I’ve ever met, and if you can’t find it in your heart to respect them, then feel free to turn it around and fear them instead.

Being gracious should be something that comes naturally to all of us in any case, not just to the dreaded customer service workers. We have a lot to be thankful for.

Yes, the world has a lot of trash going on it right now. A lot. I don’t want to downplay that. Life isn’t easy for anyone, and the difficulty scale goes from hard to dang near impossible. That is actually life. But look at this bad boy real quick.

THINGS YOU HAVE


  • A God who provides for you and is more in love with you than you can imagine
  • A mind that is capable of an infinite amount of magnificence that still needs to be enacted in the world
  • Interests and passions that are not silly, but instead make up the road map to your life calling
  • People who care about you and love you more than you think you deserve
  • That gorgeous face of yours that I know has caused a lot of smiles
  • I don’t know, do you have a dog or a cat or something? Tell it that it’s beautiful for me please
  • This generation AND HEAR ME OUT HERE I know it’s not even close to perfect, but it’s yours, you’re a piece in it, and you get a voice in how it progresses and if you don’t think that’s the tightest thing ever, then get on out of my face
  • A world of bread products, just think about it
  • Think of all the bread you are capable of producing
  • So much bread
  • And hey, if you’re gluten-intolerant, that’s cool too, you are still super duper important 

Dear friends, if you don’t have any of that, A) I don’t believe you, and B) fine then, you can still be thankful for the Star Wars: The Force Awakens teaser, then can’t you?

(yes. yes you can.)

Thanks to all of you who stopped by.

Happy Black Friday, and happy Thanksgiving from now on!

Trailer Breakdown for Jurassic World

25 Nov

I would appreciate it if I were a bit more stand-offish about this movie and therefore more condemning of Hollywood’s bad habit of re-vamping older movies. I would very much like to use this movie to look refined and hold it up as an example of an industry completely out of original ideas.

However, none of that changes the fact that I nearly vibrate with joy when I hear the Jurassic World’s take on the classic Jurassic Park score music. It certainly doesn’t change the fact that this movie looks so incredibly bomb. Gaze upon the glory that is the Jurassic World official trailer, and then come back here. I’ll tell you what I thought if you tell me what you thought.

Just kidding, I’ll tell you anyway.

jp_1

“I’m really proud of you for going on this trip. You’re gonna have so much fun.”

I can’t help but agree with Universal that the best way to start off a cult classic sequel is with a beloved young character from a more recent cult classic sequel. Welcome, everyone’s-favorite-supporting-character-from-Iron-Man-3.

jp_2

Do you smell anger and hormones? Don’t worry, we didn’t forget to toss you a hoodie-wearing, headphones-sporting teenager. Can you imagine? How would the kids relate?
jp_3

“And remember! If something chases you – run.”

We’ve been here ten seconds and you are wasting no time establishing yourself as the worst person here. Well done. jp_4

In case you’re getting nervous, there’s no need to worry – I’m sure there is very secure fencing for the water dinosaurs. How could this place get a permit any other way? *nervous laughter and sweating*jp_5

Activity: Enthusiastically remind your friends that this is exactly twenty-two years and one day after the release of Jurassic Park the first! Watch them slowly back away until they are out of sight!jp_6

Meet Gray, the example of the face you’re about to make.jp_7

aaaaaaaaaaajp_8

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My, my, my, what a body count.
jp_10


jp_11 jp_12

Okay, let’s be real. Obvious danger, frankly ridiculous variables, and nay-saying common sense aside – I would pay SO MUCH MONEY FOR THIS
jp_13

And actually, that’s the whole point isn’t it. I’m already going to pay so much money to go pretend to be there.jp_14

I can’t say I think that it’s a bad idea yet. jp_16

Now, Universal Studios knows what that what you really, really wanted was Jaws 5, so here’s their nod to you, you freaking weirdos.jp_17

OH SWEET SALLY GOod yes I wanted to be scared of the water again
jp_18

No, I hadn’t just gotten over that. Thank you, thank you sincerely for this.
jp_19

A moment of silence for all the smart phones being rushed to safety just moments too late. You were cut down in your prime.jp_21

Aaand straight ahead you’ll see the shot I’ve been waiting for.  jp_22

“We have learned more in the past decade from genetics than a century of digging up bones. A whole new frontier has opened up.jp_23

We have our first genetically-modified hybrid.”jp_24

“Foolproof,” Said all the biologists at once.

jp_25

“You just went and made a new dinosaur?

jp_26

Probably not a good idea.”

You needed to fly someone in to say that?

Does he get paid to advise on situations like this one?

in that case YES WELL DONE CHRIS YOU FIGURED IT OUT
jp_27

YOU ARE TRULY A GOD AMONG MEN
jp_29

“That wall’s forty feet high. You really think she climbed out?”

Yeah, you’re right, that seems impossible. It’s not like those claw marks reach the top of the wall and the animal you’re referring to is missing from her cage oh WAITjp_30

“Depends.”

“On what?”jp_31

“What kind of dinosaur they cooked up in that lab.”

Okay, see what I’m saying? This is not rocket science. How do I get on this cutie’s career path?jp_32

Hey, kid, souvenirs are extra. Just because Stark gave you a laboratory doesn’t mean you’re entitled to everything else in the free world. Before you say so, you and the dinosaur are not “connected.”jp_33

“Evacuate the island.”

(More of that Jaws 5 action for you crazy kids. Close the beach? Why would we do that, we could NEVER)
jp_34

Pro tip: if you ever find yourself in a job situation where your surroundings look like the game-makers’ quarters from the Hunger Games, you’re probably doing something terribly wrong.jp_35

“She’s a highly intelligent animal.

After all, homeboy Star-Lord knows a thing or two about genetically modified animals with homicidal tendencies (given, however, his experience has mostly come of dealing with  smaller woodland creatures).jp_36 jp_37

♪♬It’s rainin’ men

I’m so sorry I knew as soon as I typed that that it was out of line I’m so so sorry that’s actually super gross ew I’m so sorryJP_38

Can we put that last bit behind us? I give you instead, Chris Pratt dressed like Indiana-Jones-meets-Han-Solo and Bryce Dallas Howard looking like she hasn’t noticed yet.JP_39

If you’re still carrying that rifle, I got news for youJP_40

Well, you may have lost the firearm, but at least you’re probably minutes away from being consumed by a terrible lizard. You lose some, you almost win others.
JP_41

She’ll kill anything that moves.”

Admittedly not usually a statement that follows a remark about a creature’s intelligence, but hey, maybe it should be.JP_42

“Oh God.”

Let’s address the real issue here. You couldn’t avoid making an arts and crafts dinosaur, that’s a given, but you couldn’t have made a little one? Maybe a slow-moving herbivore? More importantly, why didn’t you make a Toothless?JP_43

Seriously, if you had the funding and know-how to create Toothless and/or ride-able dragons and you chose not to, then you deserve whatever happens to you in this movie.JP_44

I’m feeling less okay about that statement, but I stand by it.JP_45

The worst part is like half of these people lost their smartphones to the splash zone in scene five, so no one’s even going to believe them when if they get back home. Think of the vines that went to waste.JP_46

Oh and speaking of, my little buddy seems to have lost his headphones. Probably forever, judging by the circumstances. Now how are we going to be able to tell who the melodramatic teenager is?JP_47

“Run!”

Maybe the mother at the beginning of the trailer was on to something after all?

jp_51

*Raptor noises*

no she most definitely was not you stay still and silent Gray I need you to be safejp_48

Yes, oh my goodness, it feels like I just dug this movie out on VHS along with a ton of other movies I didn’t know I had and I  LOVE ITjp_49

Sure, okay, the raptors are being let out of their cages horse-race style. Terrifying, yeah, but don’t even worry about it, boys.jp_50

2015’s Han Solo never stops guarding our galaxy.

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