2015 In Review

31 Dec btf22

I don’t think anyone would disagree with me if I said 2015 was a fantastic year.

Sure, it had its share of tragedies just like any year, but also like any year, it was full of well-intentioned people who tried their best, grew stronger and closer together, and learned.

And the hover boards are great.

Early 2015 hoverboard prototype

I’m sure I don’t have to remind you all of the hover board unveiling of early February. There wasn’t a single dry eye in my household, I can tell you. This was the day we’d all waited for. Related, several reliable sources have hinted that Samsung is releasing their own brand of H-board in late 2016. Fingers crossed for lower prices? I could barely swing the cost of my first one, and with the early trials battery life, I can hardly even ride it anymore.

Doesn’t work as well over water – not enough power yet

Until then, we’ll have to stick with the single brand who has cornered the market. I’d have to say no one was surprised to see this kind of quality innovation come from Apple. It’s a great product, but I was disappointed to see that the navigational features were pretty off. Apple Maps was bad before it was connected to a moving vehicle. This nation-wide scourge of confused, levitating people is something to behold.

Of course, fashion styles were a surprise, to say the least. In 2014, everyone was talking about how seventies and eighties fashion styles were back and that “nothing was ever new.” 2015 begged to differ. Early spring saw people sporting iridescent sundresses, magic marker facial designs, and a frankly astonishing amount of plastic and velvet where neither plastic nor velvet should have been.

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An average group of 2015 youth

At least it wasn’t until mid-autumn that the double-tie (regrettably) began to take hold.

A modern 2015 man

Some said triple-ties were going to make an appearance as well, but the people wearing those were outliers and should not have been counted.

The tragedies of the year should not be ignored, so I have to yet again offer my condolences to those affected by the Lawyer Purge. Though I try not to get involved in political affairs here on my blog, I think it was a disgusting act of negligence by the government to destroy thousands upon thousands of jobs when all the lawyers were abolished. Pro-Purgers insist that the judicial system is more swift than before, but at what price? The administration of justice has come to a screeching halt. Lawyers line the moving sidewalks, offering law advice in exchange for food. This is not what America is about. You know what? Don’t get me started.

A typical newspaper headline in 2015

That’s all I will say on the subject. I’m sorry to have brought politics into this, especially considering the truly glorious things that happened this year.

Among them? You guys know what I’m gonna say. I don’t think I’m alone in believing that Jaws 19 was the best yet. Sure, Jaws 5-18 all felt a bit rushed, but Jaws 19 absolutely knocked it out of the park.

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One of the spectacular and innovative Jaws 19 ads

This time, it was really, really personal.

I feel proud of what I’ve accomplished this year, who I’ve become, and the dragons I’ve raised. Feel free to comment what the best moment of 2015 was for you! It’s been great being here with you as we bid another year a fond farewell.

Here’s to a bright and shiny 2016!

and Great Scott.

Trailer Breakdown for Inside Out

10 Dec io_67

Today, Disney-Pixar presented the general public with a glorious gift, one that I had almost feared would never arrive – an official Inside Out trailer that was not just a commercial for Disney Pixar studios at large. Don’t get me wrong, I got misty watching that early teaser, but it didn’t do much for the movie it was pretending to market.

Unlike this one, of course. Treat yourself.

One little tip for watching this trailer: it’s fine by itself, sure. But when a trailer is as dialogue-heavy, food-chewing-heavy, and music score-light as this one, sometimes, you have to add your own soundtrack.

This bad boy syncs perfectly with the subject matter, play it while watching the preview on mute you’re welcome
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*uncomfortable chewing noises and now you know why I wanted music*io_2

“So, how was the first day of school?”
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“It was fine, I guess. I don’t know.”

Is this your first time being angsty and secretive? It’s okay honey, you’ll get better at it. It just takes time and bitterness.io_4

Voiceover: “Do you ever look at someone and wonder, ‘what is going on inside their head?'”io_5

Doo wee oooooo EEEE oooooio_6

“Did you guys pick up on that?”

“Mhm, mhm.”

“Something’s wrong.”

I have never before thought of this range of emotions as adorable. This is a whole new frontier of cute.
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“We’re gonna find out what’s happening. But we need support. Signal the husband.”

Sadness is running this woman’s show? That makes me sad. Wait. Wait what are your glasses connected to this is making me uncomfortableio_9

“Ahem.”io_10 io_11

Okay but am I seriously the only one waiting for some flying text to come out and say “starring David Tennant”io_12

MUSTACHIOED EMOTIONS

what a time to be alive

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whaaaaaat come on guys you could do better.io_14

“AHEM”

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A wild wife appears!io_16

“Uh-oh. She’s looking at us.”

I know that feel, bro.

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“What did she say?”

“Oh, uh, sorry sir, no one was listening.”

STOP IMMEDIATELY. I WAS HOPING TO BE ANNOYED WITH HIS STEREOTYPING; I DID NOT WANT TO IDENTIFY SO STRONGLY WITH HIM.
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“Is it garbage night? We left the toilet seat up. What? What is it, woman, what?”

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“Signal him again.”

Even her emotions have to have coffee. You poor baby, let me hold you.io_21

Aw man, for real buddy. You might not have been listening, but right now your daughter is eating Chinese food but still looks upset. This is serious now.io_22

Buddy.io_23

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“Ah. So, Riley, how was school?”

#Naileditio_26

“Really?”

“Augh!”

“You gotta be kidding me!”io_27

“For this we gave up that Brazilian helicopter pilot?”

You what? No wonder Sadness is in charge.io_28

So is Riley the main character, or are her emotions the stars?io_29

Because, I mean, Riley herself isn’t voiced by two of the best comedy actors ever born.io_30

Mindy Kaling, you are perfect even when you don’t say anything.io_31

“School was great, all right?”io_32

“What was that?! I thought you said we were gonna ‘act casual!'”

Bill Hader, you are perfect all the time always be in every movie please.io_33

“Riley! Is everything okay?”io_34

“Uhhhhhhhgh”io_35

“Sir, she just rolled her eyes at us.”

I love how that’s the only cue he chose to pick up on. That is so telling. I’m gonna go yell about animators and filmmakers now.io_36

“All right. Make a show of force. I don’t want to have to put the foot down.”io_37

“No! Not the foot!”

*Psycho music plays*io_38

“Riley, I do not like this new attitude.”

and so misplaced, I mean, come on, Chinese food

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“Oh, I’ll show you attitude, old man.”

“No. Nono breathe -“io_40

ohman visual representations of abstract concepts are so IMPORTANTio_41

“What is your problem? Just leave me alone!”

Can we talk about how her sweater has all the colors of her emotions? And how red and green are the most prominent? Can we do that?io_42

“Sir! Reporting high levels of sass!”

Hold up a minute, Dad’s disgust has been around, but he’s not looking nearly as disgusted as I would assume such an emotion should. io_43

“Take it to Defcon 2!”

Maybe this guy’s Disgust-emotion-employee is faulty? I mean, it would explain his tie decisions.io_45

“I don’t know where this disrespectful attitude came from,”

I’m more worried about where you picked up the tie, kid.io_46

“You wanna piece of this, Pops?”

Mm, yes, my emotions, as well, occasionally take on the personality of gangsters from 1940s cartoons.io_47

“Yeah, well, well-“io_48

“Prepare the foot.”io_49

“Keys to safety position!”io_50io_51

This is quite the production. I’m a little bit scared of the foot.io_52

“Ready to launch on your command, Sir!”io_53io_54

Everyone recognizes the Cold War of familial relationships.
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Aaaaand nuclear.io_56

“Just shut up!”io_57

“Fire!”io_58

“That’s it! Go to your room!”

Wow.

That foot was never up very high to begin with.

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“Foot is down! The foot is down!”

He’s so proud there are SIGNS
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“Good job, gentlemen. That could have been a disaster.”

Turn the soccer back on, you’ve earned it.io_62

“Well that was a disaster.”

Look at Joy sitting there. She looks so under-utilized.io_64

That’s it, baby. Spread those wings.io_65

“Come. Fly with me, Gatinha!”

Fun fact for everyone out there trying to woo some ladies: no one can resist being called a kitten (but maybe try it in a different language).

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Look at them. Putty. Try it today!io_67

Man, this looks so adorable I am so excited for this cutie pieio_68WHAT PUNS YES

I’m sold. Way to finish strong, kittens.

This Week On “Wait, Sorry, What?”

9 Dec

Last month marked my one-year anniversary of landing my first job.

Early in said employment, I overheard my then-supervisor telling a technician that yeah, she had gotten an evaluation shortly after she first started working here.

If you know me at all, or if you have a mental environment anything like mine, you can probably guess how I reacted to that particular bout of eavesdropping.

I panicked.

Everything I’d ever done wrong at the job or could conceivably do wrong in the future flashed before my eyes set to the tune of an eerie Lorde song.

When was this coming? I figured it would be at the end of my three-month trial employment. It wasn’t. Maybe six months? Half a year? That made sense. But no. So it had to be on my anniversary, right?

Apparently not.

But in case you thought my mind was a healthy place to be, no, I have not stopped thinking about it. So now? I think maybe the best thing I can do to put my mind at ease is to write it myself.


 

Performance Summary

  • What are the employee’s strongest points?

Speaks clearly on the phone, is kind to customers, willingly laughs at jokes that are severely unfunny, and has a genuine desire to do things right.

Has the workforce’s second-best handwriting and the best spelling. Has become the office standby for “how do you spell” questions. Was asked by a co-worker how to spell the word “own” once and she didn’t even make fun of him (and she really, really wanted to).

  • What are the employee’s weakest points?

Often goes about her tasks with an air of confusion if said tasks were not spelled out in excruciatingly excessive detail to her.

Gets defensive easily. Four months into her employment with our business, she responded to “How are you liking it here,” with (and I quote) “Fine! Good. What, uh, why, did I do something wrong?”

Broke the desk chair but we forgive her because we probably should have guessed she was going to be using the foot bar more than a normal person since she’s painfully short and needs the altitude

Didn’t know the difference between a copier and a printer until she had been here six months. That’s not a learning curve. That’s a mental block.

  • What can the employee do to be more effective or make improvements?

Sometimes it seems as though she has mild hearing loss and things have to be shouted to her. This, however, may well have to do with the fact that Jukebox the Ghost and Bastille is often blasting from her desk speakers. Turning the music down very low (or even off) might aid communication. Or maybe switching to country music like everyone else here

  • What additional training would benefit the employee?

We’re not certain whether or not she was ever instructed on this, but someone should probably tell her we can all hear it when she listens to Jim Gaffigan upstairs in the break room.

  • Any additional comments – 

The office has smelled much better since she started working here. Between the air filter she dragged in and the Bath and Body Works Wallflower she plugged in during the summertime, you can barely tell by scent anymore that we are adjacent to a medical marijuana dispensary.

Has left a series of confusing objects around the building, including but not limited to a small plastic dragon, an angry-looking vinyl anime character, and a stack of drawings (not meant to be found, we think) containing mostly pictures of a sinister, floating triangle with a top hat and bow tie.

None of us even want to know what that means.


Well, I’m sure I’ve over-thought this entire ordeal. Or at least I like to think I have.

Chances are, that is not what that evaluation would look like, but it feels good to get this off my chest in some way. However, as only one person seems to have noticed how long I’ve been here, I don’t even think it’s forth-coming anymore.

In any case, it helps that the effect I was going for anyway was a sort of friendly ghost who helps out but doesn’t get in the way. You know, as in no one’s sure how many generations I’ve been here for, but I clearly mean no harm?

“That’s our resident specter,” my boss will explain to the next hire. “We saw her placing a curse on the small desk printer once, but it was already pretty condemned, so none of us are worried.”

“What?” I’ll moan, my semi-transparent head spinning towards them. “Are you guys talking about me? Did I do something wrong? That chair was broken when I got here.”

Thanks

28 Nov

Pro Tip: Being gracious is one of the best habits you can procure.

rock fact

Here’s the thing.

My beloved and utterly adorable niece is recently two years old. She’s decided to forgo any food that’s not yogurt or cake. Her favorite hobbies include saying “play toy?” three hundred times in a row when her parents are about to fall asleep. On occasion, she’ll find a smooth stone and pull a David and Goliath with the nearest on-looker.

But let me tell you something about my niece – she will always say “please” and “thank you” right on cue, and suddenly the entire room is on its knees. 

Repetitions of “awwww” echo around the room and the person who has most recently suffered her biblical slingshot attack sits up and whispers, “so polite!”

Obviously, this does not translate directly into the language of those over the age of five, but you still get what I’m saying. People notice when you are kind. Given, common courtesy is an easily learned habit, but being gracious, especially when it’s not necessary, is so far beyond delightful.

Today is Black Friday, a day whose blood-curdling screams can be heard in the nightmares of retail workers all over.

Due to my timing, it seems like being nice to your cashiers and shelf-stockers is the obvious moral for this post, and sure, that’s important too. Customer service workers have more internalized anger than anyone I’ve ever met, and if you can’t find it in your heart to respect them, then feel free to turn it around and fear them instead.

Being gracious should be something that comes naturally to all of us in any case, not just to the dreaded customer service workers. We have a lot to be thankful for.

Yes, the world has a lot of trash going on it right now. A lot. I don’t want to downplay that. Life isn’t easy for anyone, and the difficulty scale goes from hard to dang near impossible. That is actually life. But look at this bad boy real quick.

THINGS YOU HAVE


  • A God who provides for you and is more in love with you than you can imagine
  • A mind that is capable of an infinite amount of magnificence that still needs to be enacted in the world
  • Interests and passions that are not silly, but instead make up the road map to your life calling
  • People who care about you and love you more than you think you deserve
  • That gorgeous face of yours that I know has caused a lot of smiles
  • I don’t know, do you have a dog or a cat or something? Tell it that it’s beautiful for me please
  • This generation AND HEAR ME OUT HERE I know it’s not even close to perfect, but it’s yours, you’re a piece in it, and you get a voice in how it progresses and if you don’t think that’s the tightest thing ever, then get on out of my face
  • A world of bread products, just think about it
  • Think of all the bread you are capable of producing
  • So much bread
  • And hey, if you’re gluten-intolerant, that’s cool too, you are still super duper important 

Dear friends, if you don’t have any of that, A) I don’t believe you, and B) fine then, you can still be thankful for the Star Wars: The Force Awakens teaser, then can’t you?

(yes. yes you can.)

Thanks to all of you who stopped by.

Happy Black Friday, and happy Thanksgiving from now on!

Trailer Breakdown for Jurassic World

25 Nov

I would appreciate it if I were a bit more stand-offish about this movie and therefore more condemning of Hollywood’s bad habit of re-vamping older movies. I would very much like to use this movie to look refined and hold it up as an example of an industry completely out of original ideas.

However, none of that changes the fact that I nearly vibrate with joy when I hear the Jurassic World’s take on the classic Jurassic Park score music. It certainly doesn’t change the fact that this movie looks so incredibly bomb. Gaze upon the glory that is the Jurassic World official trailer, and then come back here. I’ll tell you what I thought if you tell me what you thought.

Just kidding, I’ll tell you anyway.

jp_1

“I’m really proud of you for going on this trip. You’re gonna have so much fun.”

I can’t help but agree with Universal that the best way to start off a cult classic sequel is with a beloved young character from a more recent cult classic sequel. Welcome, everyone’s-favorite-supporting-character-from-Iron-Man-3.

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Do you smell anger and hormones? Don’t worry, we didn’t forget to toss you a hoodie-wearing, headphones-sporting teenager. Can you imagine? How would the kids relate?
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“And remember! If something chases you – run.”

We’ve been here ten seconds and you are wasting no time establishing yourself as the worst person here. Well done. jp_4

In case you’re getting nervous, there’s no need to worry – I’m sure there is very secure fencing for the water dinosaurs. How could this place get a permit any other way? *nervous laughter and sweating*jp_5

Activity: Enthusiastically remind your friends that this is exactly twenty-two years and one day after the release of Jurassic Park the first! Watch them slowly back away until they are out of sight!jp_6

Meet Gray, the example of the face you’re about to make.jp_7

aaaaaaaaaaajp_8

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My, my, my, what a body count.
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jp_11 jp_12

Okay, let’s be real. Obvious danger, frankly ridiculous variables, and nay-saying common sense aside – I would pay SO MUCH MONEY FOR THIS
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And actually, that’s the whole point isn’t it. I’m already going to pay so much money to go pretend to be there.jp_14

I can’t say I think that it’s a bad idea yet. jp_16

Now, Universal Studios knows what that what you really, really wanted was Jaws 5, so here’s their nod to you, you freaking weirdos.jp_17

OH SWEET SALLY GOod yes I wanted to be scared of the water again
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No, I hadn’t just gotten over that. Thank you, thank you sincerely for this.
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A moment of silence for all the smart phones being rushed to safety just moments too late. You were cut down in your prime.jp_21

Aaand straight ahead you’ll see the shot I’ve been waiting for.  jp_22

“We have learned more in the past decade from genetics than a century of digging up bones. A whole new frontier has opened up.jp_23

We have our first genetically-modified hybrid.”jp_24

“Foolproof,” Said all the biologists at once.

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“You just went and made a new dinosaur?

jp_26

Probably not a good idea.”

You needed to fly someone in to say that?

Does he get paid to advise on situations like this one?

in that case YES WELL DONE CHRIS YOU FIGURED IT OUT
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YOU ARE TRULY A GOD AMONG MEN
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“That wall’s forty feet high. You really think she climbed out?”

Yeah, you’re right, that seems impossible. It’s not like those claw marks reach the top of the wall and the animal you’re referring to is missing from her cage oh WAITjp_30

“Depends.”

“On what?”jp_31

“What kind of dinosaur they cooked up in that lab.”

Okay, see what I’m saying? This is not rocket science. How do I get on this cutie’s career path?jp_32

Hey, kid, souvenirs are extra. Just because Stark gave you a laboratory doesn’t mean you’re entitled to everything else in the free world. Before you say so, you and the dinosaur are not “connected.”jp_33

“Evacuate the island.”

(More of that Jaws 5 action for you crazy kids. Close the beach? Why would we do that, we could NEVER)
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Pro tip: if you ever find yourself in a job situation where your surroundings look like the game-makers’ quarters from the Hunger Games, you’re probably doing something terribly wrong.jp_35

“She’s a highly intelligent animal.

After all, homeboy Star-Lord knows a thing or two about genetically modified animals with homicidal tendencies (given, however, his experience has mostly come of dealing with  smaller woodland creatures).jp_36 jp_37

♪♬It’s rainin’ men

I’m so sorry I knew as soon as I typed that that it was out of line I’m so so sorry that’s actually super gross ew I’m so sorryJP_38

Can we put that last bit behind us? I give you instead, Chris Pratt dressed like Indiana-Jones-meets-Han-Solo and Bryce Dallas Howard looking like she hasn’t noticed yet.JP_39

If you’re still carrying that rifle, I got news for youJP_40

Well, you may have lost the firearm, but at least you’re probably minutes away from being consumed by a terrible lizard. You lose some, you almost win others.
JP_41

She’ll kill anything that moves.”

Admittedly not usually a statement that follows a remark about a creature’s intelligence, but hey, maybe it should be.JP_42

“Oh God.”

Let’s address the real issue here. You couldn’t avoid making an arts and crafts dinosaur, that’s a given, but you couldn’t have made a little one? Maybe a slow-moving herbivore? More importantly, why didn’t you make a Toothless?JP_43

Seriously, if you had the funding and know-how to create Toothless and/or ride-able dragons and you chose not to, then you deserve whatever happens to you in this movie.JP_44

I’m feeling less okay about that statement, but I stand by it.JP_45

The worst part is like half of these people lost their smartphones to the splash zone in scene five, so no one’s even going to believe them when if they get back home. Think of the vines that went to waste.JP_46

Oh and speaking of, my little buddy seems to have lost his headphones. Probably forever, judging by the circumstances. Now how are we going to be able to tell who the melodramatic teenager is?JP_47

“Run!”

Maybe the mother at the beginning of the trailer was on to something after all?

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*Raptor noises*

no she most definitely was not you stay still and silent Gray I need you to be safejp_48

Yes, oh my goodness, it feels like I just dug this movie out on VHS along with a ton of other movies I didn’t know I had and I  LOVE ITjp_49

Sure, okay, the raptors are being let out of their cages horse-race style. Terrifying, yeah, but don’t even worry about it, boys.jp_50

2015’s Han Solo never stops guarding our galaxy.

Trailer Breakdown for Cinderella

19 Nov

You’re here because you love movies.

Therefore, you’ve become aware of the upsetting lack of movies about Cinderella. Sure, you’ve seen movies like “Cinderella,” “A Cinderella Story,” “Ever After: A Cinderella Story,” “Cinderella,” and last but not least, “Cinderella,” but you and I both know it’s never been enough.

Worry no longer my sweets, for today, the official trailer for Cinderella was released to a grateful public.

Please, enjoy the trailer and then come back here and say with me, in a puzzled yet intrigued voice, “well okay but why?”

Cinder_1

Not even being facetious right now, I honest-to-goodness thought I was watching the Maleficent trailer again.

cinder_2

“I want to tell you a secret that will see you through all the trials that life can offer.”
cinder_3 cinder_4

this went from zero to sad real quick buddycinder_5

“Have courage and be kind.”

Mmm as far as secrets go, that one was less “I have magic hair that glows when I sing” and more “We are standing by a wishing well” in quality.

(Come on, guys, these are the jokes) cinder_7

1. Animal thrown on the ground

2. Said animal is a cat

3. on a leash

You ever hear about visual cues? cinder_8

*cough*incarnate evil*cough*cinder_9

“She’ll merely be your stepmother! And you’ll have two lovely sisters to keep you company. So I know as far away as I may be that you’ll be safe.”

Okay, I get that you re-married so that your daughter could have a mother figure, but where’d you even find this lady?cinder_10

Craigslist ad?cinder_11

“Wanted: one adult woman to live in a mansion with a lonely widower and his beautiful daughter… cinder_12

“… interview not necessary. Just move on in. Key’s under the mat, but first go ahead and try the door; it’s usually unlocked.”cinder_13

“Wouldn’t you prefer to eat when all the work is done, Ella?”cinder_14

“Yes, stepmother.”

“Oh, you needn’t call me that. ‘Madam’ will do.”
cinder_16

cinder_17

All right, ladies. Ella is a mess. Time to flex your bullying muscles. What have you got?
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“Cinder wench – Dirty Ella!”

Oh my gosh, Anastasia. Are you serious. “Dirty Ella.” That’s not even mean. That’s just an observation.

I could call you “Easter-time Anastasia” but you wouldn’t think it was an insult. You probably should, though. You look like an Easter egg.

dirtyella

Really.
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“Cinderella!”

See, Drizella’s been listening. Drizella’s getting a raise and a health plan.

“Dirty Ella”
cinder_20 cinder_21

If you’re not running away, what are you doing?cinder_22

I mean, that house is no good for you grow up in HOLD UP WHO IS THATcinder_23

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!”

Ah yes, grabbing a beautiful stranger by the waist. A well-respected and time-honored mating call.cinder_24

“Are you all right? Miss – what do they call you?”dirtyellacinder_25

“Never mind what they call me.”

Good call.cinder_26

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your doing.”cinder_28

“Nor yours either, I’ll bet. I hope to see you again, Miss.”

cinder_31

“Can I say something even crazier? YES.”

“And I you.”

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“I hope to see you again”? That’s all? What is this, Sleepless in Seattle? You didn’t even get a shoe to contact her by.
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“Ella, you have more kindness in your little finger than most people possess in their whole body.”

Well, the founder of SHIELD would know. Peggy has seen some serious trash.
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what are you doicindeR_37

oh mY GOSH YES GUSGUScinder_38

“It was my mother’s old dress!”

All right, ladies, she’s feeling good about herself, you know what to do.cindeR_39

Except you. Wipe that look off your face, Anastasia. You’ve given up your right to judge. Let the others have a turn.cinder_40

“It would be an insult to take you to the palace dressed in these old rags.”cinder_41

There we go. Take notes, Anastasia. My heart just underwent some physical pain. That’s what we’re going for.cinder_42

“You shall not go to the ball.”cindeR_43

Today’s Encouraging Word: Every bit of debilitating emotional trauma you endure takes you one step closer to being a Disney princess. It’s a rock fact!cinder_44

“Excuse me, why are you crying?”

Excuse me, why are you a computer program? Disney couldn’t find a real old person? I know like sixty of them and they’re all able-bodied enough to hobble around under a cloak.
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“Who are you?”cinder_46

“That’s better!”

“Sorry for the mess, I just got back from cursing an eleven-year-old French prince for being shallow,”
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“Helena Bonham Carter?”

“My fairy godmother!”

That’s a normal enough thing that you just know? Is this actually Ella Enchanted?
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Yeah, let’s take it somewhere warmer, maybe the greenhouse. As long as you don’t turn any items of food into massive modes of transportation, we’ll be cindeR_49

fine
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One job.cinder_52

“Now, where’s mice?”

If you were hoping to get through this breakdown without thinking this is an alternate universe Bellatrix LeStrange, I hope you have better luck than I did.
cinder_53 cinder_54 cinder_55

I am at once delighted and utterly horrified.cinder_56

“Avada kedavra you pink disaster”

“Bippity Boppity Boo”

I actually thought I had it with that second one. I don’t feel like this is a musical, so we better at least get a BippityBoppity in this movie.

cinder_57

Yes yes I like this sequence, it can stay. I won’t even make fun of that butterfly.

And I really really want to.cinder_58

“They’re made of glass!”

Oh good, more butterflies.

cinder_59

Sure, you could pay attention to Cinderella, and that would be understandable. She’s beautiful, and look how shiny her dress is!

But look at her footman’s EXPRESSION

Eyes front, soldier.cinder_60

“And you’ll find they’re really comfortable.cinder_61

Now off you go, for you shall go to the ball.”cinder_62

And the footman wonders if he ever shall win the attention of the beautiful human.cinder_63 cinder_64

“I could get used to a view like this.”

(In this scenario, his three buddies are the Stabbington brothers, by the way)
cinder_65

Welcome, my old friend, the Oh-right-I-don’t-know-anyone-at-this-party face. cinder_66

Hey, the sideburns are comin’ in nice, huh? Gotta be excited about that.cinder_67

“They’re all looking at you,”cinder_68

“Believe me, they’re all looking at you.”

“After all,” he wanted to continue, “you’re literally covered in glitter and butterflies.”

He held back, however.

He was raised to be charming, not sincere.
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Oh man, this is so far beyond pretty.cinder_72

“Where there is kindness, there is goodness.cinder_73

#DANGITMYCURFEW

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♪Did I abuse her or show her disdain? Why does she run from me?♬

cinder_76

And where there is goodness, there is magic.”cinder_78

Rich boy has too much time on his hands and way too much clothing the color of milk.cinder_79

“No!”cinder_80

♪No? Oh. I see how it is. Rapunzel knows best, Rapunzel’s so mature now♫

Man, I just want to watch Tangled now. How did this happen? That was like the opposite of what this trailer was supposed to do.
cinder_81

“I have to see her again.”

Sure you do. What’s her last name? What’s her favorite food? Best friends’s name? Eye color? Foot size?

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Because you would be surprised how in handy that knowledge might come.cinder_84

“Are you looking for this?”cinder_85

Love is an open doooorcinder_86

Life could be so much mooore – with you.
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with YOU!
cinder_88That’s right, Anastasia, we went with Drizella’s suggestion. Because she knows what the audience wants you infernal dunce

(All joking aside, it looks gorgeous, certainly well-made enough, at that music score is on point, but who here is genuinely excited about this movie? I would very much like to be, but I need to feed off of someone else’s enthusiasm please and thank you)

For What It’s Worth

29 Oct

I was at work when I noticed what was going down.

MikaylaTuesday was a big day for the studios responsible for your knowledge of Norse mythology. The frankly unsettling amount of Marvel news unleashed yesterday hit the internet like a SHIELD helicarrier into the New York bay, so I feel you are all likely to know what I’m pleased about right now.

However, that’s totally not going to stop me from setting up a quick recap.

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I KNOW RIGHT

In addition to all that jazz, we have a few casting announcements, most notably that of Chadwick Boseman playing the Black Panther and Benedict Cumberbatch coming on board to play Dr. Strange.

Oh, not enough to get you excited? Have some footage of Captain Specimen tearing a log in half while Puny Stark looks on in wonder. 

I get it. You’re feeling greedy. Marvel assumed that would happen, so they’ve gone and gifted us with the a sneak peek of the Age of Ultron dinner party-vengers and their heaps of worthiness.

Of course, we mustn’t forget that said sneak-peek scene was preceded by Agents of SHIELD and their well-written, swift  machete stab to the gut with its latest episode, A Fractured House.

Guh.

(My heart goes out to all you poor souls not out-of-your-mind about these recent developments. We just need to get this out of our systems, and your patience will be greatly appreciated until that moment comes.)

Excelsior, my friends. Excelsior.

Trailer Breakdown for Avengers: Age of Ultron

23 Oct aou_63

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your dreams.

The official trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron swept the internet off its feet last night, and it’s been trending everywhere since. I may have watched it one or two or fourteen times myself. However, if you have managed to not be run over by a screaming fanboy or fangirl trying to get you to watch the trailer with them, then click that link, for now is the time. 

And what a time to be alive, my friend.

aou_1

“I’m gonna show you something beautiful.

Oh I know
aou_2

“Everyone screaming.

Oh nvmaou_3

note: Quicksilver’s hair is dark. Something in this movie turns it white. carry on.aou_4

“For mercy.aou_5

The Captain has joined the trailer, ready to sock ol’ Hitler Ultron on the jaw.
aou_6

“You want to protect the world,

Hawkeye, I’ve missed you gracing our screens with strangely angelic shots.aou_7

Thor, baby, on the bright side, no one in your family is even indirectly at fault this time.
aou_8

“But you don’t want it to change.aou_9

(Visibly uncomfortable with the word “change”)aou_10

“You’re all puppets -

whoa
aou_11

Breaking news: Thor is wearing normal clothes. It’s a good day. That is all. (I appreciate that he took a page out of Captain Hook’s book, entitled Wait I’ve Been Wearing This Outfit for Upwards of a Hundred Years)
aou_12

Now is a good time to point out that in every shot Hawkeye appears in in this trailer, his face could be saying, “What did I miss?”aou_13

“Tangled in strings.aou_15

Remember when we thought the Winter Soldier and Loki were the best villains the MCU were going to conceive?
aou_16

“Strings.”

Such sweet, summer children.

aou_17

*Nightmare version of “No Strings” from Pinocchio starts to play*

It’s okay, I was never able to watch Pinocchio without being mildly terrified anyway.

aou_18aou_20

Honey, is that another new suit? How many tailors are you wearing out?
aou_21

Do you get it? aou_22

Wearing out.
aou_24

It’s a clothing pun.aou_25

Bruce, I have not seen you in a shot yet that didn’t make me want to bundle you up and feed you a warm meal. Please stop this. You’re breaking me.
aou_26

And Natasha, it’s okay. They’ll give you your own movie someday. aou_27

Whooaaa, whoa whoa, the twins and Ultron? Is Ultron to the Maximoffs as Magneto was to the Maximoffs in their first comics appearance?

(By the way, I mean in the sense of the Maximoffs being his indentured servants, not of them being his illegitimate children)aou_28

(But on that topic, if Pietro or Wanda gave daddy dearest a call, he could clean this mess up real quick. That’s a lot of metal.)aou_29aou_30

They’re like bugs. Like ants. Like ant-men.

Nah, that’s silly.
aou_31

See? Look at Clint’s face. LOOK AT IT.

“What did I miss?”aou_32

What a glorious, glorious month.aou_33

“It’s the end.aou_34

“The end of the path I started us on.”

Ehhh, don’t flatter yourself. It was mostly Loki and Captain America.aou_35

And this guy, of course. By the way, don’t bother wondering about how you saw him burn that eye patch in favor of sunglasses in CA: The Winter Soldier.
aou_36

“Nothing lasts forever.”

You’re right. He probably sat on those sunglasses. We’ve all been there, Fury.aou_37

Hey, look, it’s the classic Scarlet-Witch-is-going-bonkers pose!aou_38

Hey look, it’s me watching this trailer for the first time!aou_39

Wait. I saw concept art for this scene.
aou_40

Oh my gosh yes it’s coming Hulkbuster yes
aou_41

guhaou_42

GUHaou_43

GAHaou_44

*On her way to get her own movie*aou_45

My only hope for this character is that they make him nearly as cool as Fox’s Quicksilver. That’s all I hope for anyone, really.
aou_46

But for serious, I am so excited to see these two in action. They’re perfect.aou_47

This is a mighty meaningful and important stare for a character who was listed on imdb as a nameless “Asguardian god.” Speculation, please.

aou_49

Are these uncomfortably chest-heavy shots of Thor going to be a regular thing in Marvel movies now? Is this like a subtle satire of how women have been treated in every superhero movie ever, or is it just fanservice?

I mean, I’m not complaining. Just confused.aou_50

*Nightmare Pinocchio music stops, replaced with nightmare Tarzan music*

♪I wanna know/Can you show me/I wanna know about these strangers like me/♬

Okay, back to nightmare realm Pinocchio.aou_51

Straight ahead, you’ll see our subtle reminder that this takes place in Russia.

If you look within your memories, you’ll remember that a certain wintery soldier was in Russia for quite some time between now and 1945.

If you search your heart for a strong sense of hope, you may see what I’m getting at.

aou_53

#WhatdidImiss

Aw man, it’ll be good to have this champ in a movie again. Been too long.
aou_54

“No, mother doth NOT know I weareth her drapes,aou_55

“BECAUSE SHE’S DEAD”aou_56

I know, right, Natasha? I cried.aou_57

“Now

AAAAAaou_58

“I’m

AAAAAAAaou_59

“Free.

AAAAAAAAAAAAaou_60

Brofist, buddy. Bring it in.aou_61

That was the last vibranium on the planet, Steve, please be more carefulaou_62

“There are no strings on me.”aou_63

I have waited three years.

I am READY.
aou_64BRING IT BUDDY.

How to Festival

18 Oct

Greetings, friends! I’m afraid you’ve caught me in my semi-annual if-it’s-not-about-OSF-don’t-talk-to-me post.

Obviously, I’ve just returned from my group trip to the Oregon Shakespeare Festival in Ashland. As you may know by now, I typically take this trip with a gathering of twenty-something high-schoolers, and it was with that group I saw the plays and attended a few activities – but for the most part, my mother and I stuck with our carpool team, my friend Gracie (the Wasp) and her parents.

The Ashland carpool teams in themselves are always an interesting study.

Every year, when our group congregates outside the Angus Bowmer theater, you can always tell which kids took cars together because a highly-caffeinated four-hour drive has a certain affect on people. They walk in sync, they say things in unison, and they basically walk around going

As Gracie was sentenced to sit next to me for the entirety of the trip, the image above is more or less an accurate photograph of us (she’s classic Dipper) ((Plus, she brought a couple of Cabin Pressure episodes to listen to. 10/10 would sit by again)

This year we enjoyed a spectacular trip, and should you consider making an Ashland trip of your own, I dearly hope it is as good as mine. The OSF experience is different for everyone, but there are some constants in the equation. I’ve recorded such constants in the below five steps that my group took and would now highly recommend.

1. See Ashland

Ashland is a gorgeous place. Simple as that. Gracie and I took many walks downtown, exploring stores we’d not seen before and trying out new restaurants, always making sure to drop in what became one of the taglines of our trip, “Oh my gosh I want to sit down so badly.” Of course there were high-energy times of the trip as well, and you could tell when one was going on, because one of us was belting out “SUITS” at two-second intervals and the other was swirling around street lights, crooning “THE WINGMAN I CAN WEAAR.” Nothing Suits Me Like a Suit is the first track on the official soundtrack of this trip.

2. Participate in the activities Ashland offers

Museums, walking tours, the Green show – Ashland won’t let you get bored. The group with which we bought tickets arranged a field trip to “Exploring Design,” a workshop led by Chris Tufts to explain how the costume designers at OSF use symbolism and character studies to decide on the best possible costumes. During the group activity, my team got so into the spirit of things that we very nearly dressed The Tempest‘s Caliban in Steampunk Darth Maul regalia. In any case, I expect a job offer with the festival within the month.

3. Meet the people

When you separate from your group of peers, you are freed up to meet more of the fascinating Ashland locals. Of course everyone has different ways of getting connected. Some people may strike up a conversation with their neighbors in the audience of the plays they see. Others might greet the people enjoying beautiful Lithia Park. My personal strategies included holding eye contact with the SOU students wearing fandom t-shirts and talking loudly to the Wasp about the Festival in the presence of OSF actors who were trying to get errands done in peace. What’s that? Passive socializing is not for you? Then may I recommend seeing Into the Woods and waving so hard at orchestra musicians onstage that you nearly lift off your seat?

(My row and the trumpet section really bonded. We’re going for coffee next week.)

4. Enjoy the plays

Obviously the plays are a must. The people at OSF know what they’re doing, and each play is a masterpiece. This season I saw The Cocoanuts, The Tempest, Into the Woods, and A Wrinkle in Time, though I would have loved to see more. They were all astounding in their own ways, from the ingenuity of the stage design in the Tempest, to the frankly ridiculous amount of fun the cast of the Cocoanuts was obviously having. There are tips to enjoying it as much as possible. Before A Wrinkle in Time, I read a chapter of the original work out loud to my seat buddy, and I finished the Tempest shortly before making the trip. Pre-show preparation can only do so much when the play is actively going on however, so my most certain suggestion is that you sit next to someone you may punch in the arm mercilessly, should the mood take you.

Sorry, Gracie. But I’m pretty sure we were even on that front, right?

5. Be a good audience

I love a lot of things about live theatre, but one of the main things has to be that it’s one of the few story-telling outlets where overt, unbridled enthusiasm is encouraged. Actors don’t want to play in front of a room of people half-asleep. They want to know you’re there. And considering that my one true gift is enthusiastic response, there’s no question as to why OSF is my happy place. Every audience I was a part of was excellent – it’s hard not to be responsive in Ashland. Like I said, they know what they’re doing.

When we went in to see A Wrinkle in Time, Gracie even started a small-scale round of applause for Calvin’s impressive basketball-twirling, and the actor went on to do that move for far, far longer than he had when I’d seen this play before.

Encouragement! Try it today!

At the Q&A session after the play, the darling who played Mrs. Who bounced in and said that the whole cast had asked her to tell us that we’d been a wonderful audience.

And don’t fret, Gracie and I went ahead and took way more credit than we probably should have.

The morning after I arrived home, I awoke with a cough that announced itself as the incarnation of the last four days having been spent alternately singing at the top of my lungs and scream-shouting “WHY A DUCK,” “YOU’VE GOT DREAMBOAT EYES,” and”AGONYYY” at every shadow of an opportunity.

If anything is a sign that a trip went well, that’s got to be it.

All by following five easy steps!

The Clock is Striking Twelve

26 Aug

I always warn you before spoilers, don’t I?

Well, if you haven’t seen Doctor Who season 8 episode 1, I have only one two things to say to you:

  1.  WHAT WHY NOT
  2.  Well, don’t come back until you do.

Last Saturday night, I sat in a dark room full of Whovians; the kind who get so excited that no one really cares that they’re slowly turning the back room of a Japanese novelty shop into a sauna.

It began with a girl dressed as a steampunk Dalek standing up to announce that the episode was beginning, and once it did, there would be no mercy on commentators. There was a murmur of assent from the viewers. The episode commenced. Not a peep was heard for over an hour, save the odd hushed “Awwww” or “ohmygoshohmygosh.”

It was glorious.

For many of you, I do not have to tell what happened in the episode.

Seeing it through strictly unfeeling eyes, it was the usual:

  • Doctor offends people
  • Clara stamps her foot
  • SUBTEXT SUBTEXT
  • Viewers are scared
  • Characters are scared and then die
  • Doctor voices some variant of “He/She/It was scared”
  • SUUUBTEEEXT
  • Hands are held
  • Hugs are had
  • Chips are consumed

But of course there was the one prominent difference:

The new Doctor.

This dork.

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Look at him

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Really look

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Let me explain: Eleven was my Doctor. Under such circumstances, I thought it was going to take more than a shouty “I’M NOT FLIRTING BY THE WAY” directed at a rampaging dinosaur to win me over.

The Doctor wears his new face well. And hey, as far as the rest of you go, I understand (in theory) if he hasn’t grown on you yet. But just

Look at him.

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No, I suppose that’s not what I mean. Don’t just look. The Doctor said it himself. See.

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That moment killed me. In fact, I am actually writing to you at this moment from the mysterious fountain garden on the other side.

I’ve wanted to hug a lot of fictional characters before, but this moment must have topped the list. So of course they had to stab at that particular ventricle of my heart.

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“I don’t think I’m a hugging person now.”

*Collective scoff from fandom*

But in any case, I didn’t come here to gush over the Twelfth Doctor.

While I did indeed come here to gush over the Twelfth Doctor, there are other Doctorial things to be addressed. Such as?

  • SKIN BALLOON wHAT 
  • How one little blow-torch droid set fire to an entire dinosaur
  • The frankly alarming number of space ships skipping around replacing machinery with human remains (I had no idea this was such an epidemic)
  • The umbrella woman in the weird afterlife fountain garden

Oh come on, what else am I supposed to call her?

Mediocre Fact: I actually had to Google “deep breath umbrella woman” to get anything like what I was looking for. I got a lot of weird artwork and one heroic bit of information that told me that the umbrella woman is actually called Missy.

The “Gatekeeper.”

Cool! If anything, I know less than I knew before.

I feed off of your speculation and inside knowledge; please, let me have it. I would absolutely love to discuss this episode with you. I mean, there it was after all, the excellent first episode of what looks to be a very promising season.

So, what do you think?

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